The Porter Family

Baby is HERE!

2011-06-24T13:20:00.000-06:00

Brielle Raeleen Porter

was born Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 7:35 in the morning.

Brad and I decided to have her at home in the basement in a birthing tub. The experience was SO amazing for us. We found an amazing midwife (who has delivered over 3,000 babies!) and made all the arrangements.

(Wednesday night in mild labor)

On Wednesday I was having mild contractions all day. That night we went on a family walk and they started to get stronger and closer together. Around 11 at night, I called our midwife to let her know that I was in labor. She came over and so did my mom who was both my nurse and doula (oh yeah, and mom).

I was able to labor on walks around our neighborhood, on a birthing ball, in the shower, and in the tub.

Just after 5 am the contractions started getting really strong, I got up to go to the bathroom and puked all over the floor (thanks mama for cleaning that for me). It actually felt good to throw-up 'cause I was getting nauseous during contractions, but I didn't after this. Then, I got into the shower for a few more contractions. By this time they were coming on pretty strong.

Brad and I both got into the tub for these contractions.

This was so amazing for me. Not only did that warm water and the weightlessness feel amazing, but being able to lay on Brad was such a neat experience. He rubbed me during the contractions and held me while I slept in between them. I still get tears in my eyes as I think about how tender those moments were for us.

While I was pushing, I got to reach down and feel her head. That feeling was so surreal. I could feel the hair on her head and I felt her head come out as I pushed. After I pushed her shoulders, out I got to reach down and pick up my baby myself. The feeling was one of ecstasy.

Brad was holding me this whole time and was pulling my legs back as I pushed. It was so fun to pull her up into my arms and to have the 3 of us meet that way.

Brad got to cut and clamp the umbilical cord.

She didn't even cry when she was born. She just came out looking around seeming to take it all in.

I need a better picture of my mom.

About 20 minutes after I had her, the other kids got out of bed and came downstairs to meet her.

The whole experience couldn't have gone any better. It was such a miracle!

I can't even express how excited I am and how blessed I feel to have another little angel from heaven!

She is truly amazing!!!!

BABY NEWS!!!

2011-02-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

So we just got back from an appointment with the midwife.

I am now 20 weeks along and every thing is going great!

Oh, and we're having a...

GIRL!!

I'm so excited!!

By the way our weather for today is:

Rest Of Today
	Snow Hi: -1°	Mostly sunny with intermittent very light snow. Highs around 1 below. North winds 15 to 20 mph. Chance of snow 20 percent. Wind chill readings (FEELS LIKE) 19 below to 29 below zero (-19° to -29°).

Tonight
	Mostly Clear Lo: -19°	Mostly clear. Lows around 19 below. Northwest winds up to 10 mph in the evening becoming light.

Can I just say BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Is Healing Possible?

2011-01-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

Short answer?

A resounding YES!

Is it easy?

Most the time, no.

I was talking with a friend the other day and told her that I hope that my kids will be able to learn from their past experiences (traumas and abuse) and turn them into something that can benefit their lives. I do not feel angry at the people who caused my children harm, mostly because I know those people grew up having traumatic childhoods as well. Throughout the process, I have tried to help my children separate in their minds the abuse they experienced from their abusers (most of whom were their close family members). When I saw my children, at very young ages, continuing the cycle of abuse on each other, I understood for the first time how people can do such horrible things. I knew that if I condemned their abusers I would be in essence condemning my children as well and I knew that they would never feel fully accepted by me.

I think I have been blessed with an ability to look past the horrible things that their abusers have done and into their hearts. I feel heartache for them and their life experiences. While not accepting or approving of the things those people have done to my children in any way, I try to convey to my kids that those people were lost and struggling.

So...

The other day, we were walking through the park together as a family and we saw a group of young people smoking, drinking and using foul language. I saw Jazmine observing them and wondered what was going through her mind. She completely surprised me when she turn around and said,

"Mom, when I see people drinking and smoking, I want to go up to them and tell them about the gospel."

And...

The other night some of the kids were ganging up their sister verbally attacking her. They took turns making snide remarks and insults. Typically, when this happens I send the one who is being cruel away from the one they are attacking. My reasoning is that each of my children deserves to live in a home that feels safe to them and if someone is threatening that feeling of safety they will not be permitted to stay near the others. However, this night we were kneeling down for family prayers (which we do right before bed time), when the badgering was going on so I didn't send anyone away and it kept escalating. I tried to stop it verbally but my requests were being completely ignored until I snapped. Jazmine happened to be the last one to insult her sister so she got the brunt of my temper. She was kneeling next to me and I firmly nudged her leg with the back of my hand and yelled something like, "How dare you! You guys sit her and repeatedly insult your sister over and over as if you hate her. How do you think that makes her feel? Do you want her to grow up believing those horrible things?" I know in their minds it probably sounded like blah, blah, blah, words, words, words. Anyway we finished a not-so-reverent prayer and I sent them to bed. I immediately felt horrible about my reaction especially to Jazmine and caught her before she went to her room. She turned around with huge tears streaming down her face. Assuming the tears were from my reaction, I held her in a tight hug and apologized for the way I reacted. I told her it was wrong and that I was shouldn't have behaved that way. She pulled away from my hug and said,

"Mom, that's not why I'm sad. I'm crying because I feel bad for Jada. We were so mean to her and I feel really bad about it."

I gave her another hug and she pulled away again, looked straight into my eyes and said,

"I've never felt this way before. I've never felt sorry for something mean I did. What does that mean?"

I this point I'm crying with her and I tell her that it means she is healing, she is getting a conscience and her heart is learning to love and to care about others.

This happened a few days ago and since then several times throughout each day, she tells me different ways that she has helped people when she sees that they are sad.

So, can healing happen?

Absolutely!!!

It can!

Kenz signing

2011-01-14T21:51:00.001-07:00

Makenzie is now 20 months old. I still think of her as my baby and I can't believe that we'll have another baby in just 5 months!

Kenzie brings so much joy to our family. If you ask me, I think she's exceptionally bright! Doesn't every mom think that about their kids?

We use a lot of sign language in our family for communication purposes and have gotten to know and associate with several people here who are deaf and use sign language.
Makenzie has been exposed to sign language since she was born and has picked up a lot.

Brad was asking her to sign several different signs tonight so I got the camera and recorded her.

So adorable!!

Christmas 2010

2010-12-31T10:09:00.002-07:00

We enjoyed a nice, relaxing Christmas this year!

I am happy to say that the kids got through the day with overall great attitudes.

They were thankful for their presents and handled themselves really well.

I wish I could say what contributed to our success so that I can be sure to repeat it next year, but honestly, I'm not quite sure.

For kids who have been through significant trauma, holidays and special occasions can be difficult. Our experiences during many of these days has attested to this.

Brad and I kept Christmas very simple this year. Each kid got one present and a stocking.

My mom gave them each something that they opened on Christmas Eve. I think with them only having the one present to focus on they were able to appreciate it and not feel overwhelmed with feelings of not deserving what they got. (In my experience, these feelings has led them to exhibit behaviors to prove to us that they didn't feel deserving.)

Anyway, maybe it was the simpleness of this Christmas.

Maybe it was a sign of the progress they have made.

I know that we are being blessed and I thank God daily for His watchful care over us.

And the verdict is...

2010-12-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

After an extremely difficult week with the kids, I have realized once again the benefits of their medication way outweigh how detrimental it is for the kids and our family to not use it right now.

After a few days of watching them slide down hill rapidly, I felt that I was doing them a huge disservice by not allowing them to use this tool that has proven to help them so much. Not to mention, I was beginning to feel that I couldn't go on, and that's the last thing my kids need is a mother who cannot be there or them.

I am still using the natural supplements to ensure that their bodies are getting what they need. I am still doing the therapeutic parenting. I am still trying to learn more and better strategies to help them at every opportunity I get. We are still processing grief.

And I have come to realize that just like the therapists, parents and doctors said (sometimes I prefer to learn things the hard way...) this is a tool that our family needs right now.

Thank you everyone who gave me advise. It really meant a lot to me and I did take it to heart.

Processing Grief - So hard, yet SO worth it!

2010-12-09T16:02:00.002-07:00

It's been a challenging past few weeks for me and the kids. We've been processing a lot of their grief together. As great as it is to be able to do this with the kids, it is tiring and emotionally exhausting for all of us.

It seems that their grief is not something that they can experience briefly then be able to quickly move on to other things. Because a lot of their past and pain has been coming up a lot lately, we've had to tone things down a LOT.

Outings have been very rare, and even our homeschooling routine has had to be flexible in order to allow the kids to feel what they're feeling and to process it. We've been referring often to their life books and adding to them.

Because so much of their past is shared I often have several kids crying at once. All of them need me to wrap my arms around them. All of them need me to listen to their heart. All of them are hurting. Yet I am only one person. At times, I feel so torn. While I have 3 of the kids sitting on or near me, I leave one to cry on their own sometimes rolling around on the ground in fear that their grief will overcome them and become too much.

Their rages and tantrums have escalated. There are several more holes in the walls of their bedrooms. Their behavior has regressed dramatically.

Meanwhile, my sweet 19 month old baby needs her mama to comfort her while these rages go on. She doesn't understand why all of her siblings are crying so much. She doesn't understand why they are yelling, throwing things, breaking holes in walls. She gets scared. Last night, she got so scared she threw-up. My heart aches for her, it aches for them. Sometimes, I don't know what to do, who to help, how I can go on.

It's been SO difficult! It's pulled at my every heartstring. I've cried wracking sobs nearly every moment I get alone to myself. I wonder if I'm up to the task. I wonder if I can ever be enough for them. I grieve that I cannot physically and sometimes emotionally meet the needs of all of them. Sometimes I feel so worn out emotionally and physically from it all that I send them to their rooms for our daily quiet time knowing that they are not ready to leave my side. Often their raging escalates during this transition. Then, I hold my baby, rock her to sleep, and I cry some more.

Then something miraculous happens. Today my son came out of quiet time with a hand written note for me. it said:

"Mom ,
I love you mom so much mom. I will never let you go mom 'cuz you are the best mom. You help me so much mom. I'll never let you go mom. I love you so much!
Love,
Kishawn"

That does a mama's heart good! I'm crying even as I type this. I know this is all worth it. I know that I am witnessing miracles. I know that I am so privileged to be able to do this. And most importantly, I know that I am not doing it alone. I know that our Lord is involved and His healing hands are touching the hearts of our family, including this mama's heart who often doesn't feel strong enough for the task that lies in front of me.

To medicate or not?

2010-12-08T07:54:00.002-07:00

With the advise of a therapist we were working with, I have taken my kids to see a psychiatrist. He and the therapist both suggested that some of them be on medication because they were SO disregulated SO often. Reluctantly, I put them on the medication to see if it would help. The potential side effects scare me and also I was afraid that they may become dependent on the medication.

I desperately want to find a way to help them regulate naturally, without the risks the anti-psychotic drugs have. Every time we get low on a prescription, I let it run out and decide that we can try to do our day to day things without the help of this medication. And after a few days of rages and kids who feel out of control (sometimes they tell me this themselves), I again, reluctantly, reorder the medicine and start over.

And their behaviors improve, dramatically.

Am I worring over something I shouldn't be? Am I wrong in not wanting to give them this medication when it obviously allows them to function so much better and it allows them to feel so much better about themselves? Do the benefits outweigh the risks?

We all take natural supplements but have not seen much improvement by the supplements alon. There are other supplements that I have not tried that I think I will. In the mean time though, I feel torn. I feel torn between letting my kids have a chance at feeling in control of their emotions with a medicine that is proven to help them, but poses so many risks, verses trying alternative options while they feel out of control of their emotions and actions. Is that fair to put them through that?

In the meantime, I still have a huge learning curve ahead of me in how I can help them deal with these extreme emotions. Just when I think I've got a handle on it and I'm really helping one child, another will start to rage then sometimes even another all at once. Then I think, "How in the world can I meet all of their needs at once? How do I be there for them, help them through this when I need to be so much more than one person who is still learning?" Usually, I end up having to send one or more of them into their rooms to rage (to keep the others safe), while I help another one to regulate. Is that fair? I don't think it is. I feel torn and overwhelmed at the tasks that lie in front of me sometimes. I want to be there for them every time they need me but sometimes, I am forced to make them wait.

I know that it won't be like this forever. I know that once we all have the tools to help things run more smoothly (beginning with me, so I can subsequently give them those tools) things will get better. In the mean time, I'm studying every second I get. I'm leaning about natural supplements that helped other kids like mine. I'm learing about parenting interventions that will help their brains to begin to function differently. I'm praying with all of my heart that my learning curve won't have to last too long and that the kids will be able to live up to their full potential.

I can see their potential. I see a great set of kids who have so much ability and who are learning to love and care for others with such tenderness it touches my heart everyday. I don't fear for their future, because I believe that they will grow to become great adults full of kindness, love and responsibility. Having said that, I know that much of their progress depends on the kind of parent I am to them now. That is a responsibility I take very seriously. Because I can see so clearly where I lack, I am constantly striving to learn more, do more, and to be more for them.

I can't thank these kids enough for the awesome opportunity having them has given me to become a better person, a person with more understanding, compassion and love. They have given me the opportunity to evaluate my life, my actions and my thoughts in a very deep way, everyday of my life as I strive to become more like Christ and to love them as He does. And more importantly to care for them as He would if he were here.

But still I'm left with the question: Do I medicate them or not? Have any of you been in a similar situation? What did you decide? What was most helpful for your family?

Too honest?

2010-12-02T16:03:00.001-07:00

I have a lot on my mind that I'm not sure I know how to put into words, so forgive me if this sounds jumbled or confusing.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my family and the way I have been raising my children. I've researched so much about parenting traumatized kids, yet I still feel like I know so little. We have used several resources from therapists, parenting specialists, workshops and conferences to books, researching the internet and even reading blogs of other parents who have adopted traumatized children as well as briefly belonging on a yahoo group for adoptive parents.

In the process, I have come across parents who are feeling overwhelmed and out of control and who just wanted to vent. (These ones feel very draining to me and I find that I have a hard time staying positive with my kids when I hear or read too much of this.) Having said that, I feel that I have definantly been there and felt that! I have also come across parents on the other side of the spectrum who paint a pretty picture that is all miraculous with no struggle, grief or adjustment period. I have a hard time believing their story. Don't get me wrong, there is MIRACLE in adoption. There happiness and joy! It is a beautiful thing. However, there is also grief, loss and pain associated with it, especially when the child or children are older when they are adopted.

I have also come across some ideas and theories in parenting these children. And I have followed these ideas believing that the experts knew what they were talking about. They had been there, done that and I was desperate for information and help. I followed what they said. It was hard! And we have seen results from putting their suggestions into practice. To be honest some of the parenting interventions didn't settle quite right with me. Some of them were so unnatural to what I would intrinsically do and it was hard to follow, but since what I was already doing seemed to not be helping or improving our situation, I followed them.

I don't want this to sound like I am ratting on or discounting what I have learned or done. Please don't think that. I think where my hang-up lies is in my own heart. I think because I was dealing with so many behaviors I didn't understand or know what to do with, and because my kids were harming each other in MY home, I became overwhelmed and perhaps understood some things differently than they were meant.

I did the parenting interventions.

I gave them all their own rooms.
I put alarms on their doors (to prevent them from harming each other).
I brought them home from school when it became clear to me that it was way more than they could handle.
I cuddled them.
I rocked them.
I bottle fed them.
I kept them near me.

All of these things I feel were absolutely needed and necessary to their progression. All of these things have contributed hugely to their progression!

I also did some things, that were in the the books and seminars, that I regret and that I now am questioning.

I consequenced their actions.
I caught them in their lies.
I caught them in their stealing.
I've sent them away from the table for bad manners.
I've made them make restitution for harm and damage done to our home and members of our family.
I demanded respect and compliance.

In this process, I think I have allowed myself to become a behaviorist. I've focused on their behaviors and trying to fix them. I've allowed myself to become frustrated when they repeat the same behavior again and again, then to consequence them again and again, only to have them do it over and rage about the consequence once again.

I've demanded respect and compliance. I did this because it is what I felt the experts were saying to do. I now don't know whether that's what they meant or not.

I always felt that it didn't go along with how our Father in Heaven parents us and I have really struggled with this. I've thought many times to myself, "I mess up over and over and over, yet He always is willing to accept me, faults and all, with open arms when I come back to Him. Am I being that kind of parent? Do I love my children unconditionally like that? Do I show them love no matter what? Or I am too focused on fixing them?"

I've decided that I don't want to be a behaviorist any more, I don't want to focus on fixing behaviors.

I want to look into what those behaviors mean and help my children find their voice. I don't want to demand complaince and respect. I want my children to want that for themselves. I am realizing that that won't happen unless I help them find their voice, unless I listen to what those behaviors mean and address that instead of stiffling it by focusing on getting the 'behaviors' to stop.

Everyone wants to feel important, loved, cherished and HEARD. Am I giving that to my children?

My husband says that I am too hard on myself. He says that I don't give myself enough credit for how far we've come as a family. Maybe he's right, but sometimes all I can see is what I'm doing wrong and how it needs to get better. I don't mean this in a depressed, poor me, kind of way, but in a way of realizing my mistakes and weakness so that I can do something about them. So I can take them to the Lord and He can turn them into strengths. Although I do sometimes feel overwhelmed with regret. Sometimes, I just wish I could start all over and do things better, but then again, would I know what to do? Even now? I just hope and pray constantly that our Savior can make up for where I lack.

Has any of this made sense at all? It still feels jumbled in my head. Can any of you parents relate to any of this?

Pregnancy, Nausea and the Sea

2010-11-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

So, I've been nauseous which make no mistake I AM grateful for. It helps me to be assured that things are going well. AND because we have to wait 3 more months until the insurance from Brad's work starts up, which in turn means waiting that long to get in to see a doctor, the nausea is not all that bad.

Besides, it makes for some entertaining moments for my kids, such as, when Brad's not home and doesn't do the cooking. It usually goes like this...

I walk into the kitchen with all 5 kids trailing behind me because they're "starving!!!" (Which is probably true considering that I put these parts of the day off as long as possible.) I open the fridge or cupboard and invariably something stricks me as 'the most discusting thing I have ever seen.' I race over to the sink and hack into in. At this point, it seems that every hole on my face is leaking. Jazmine usually says, "Mom that's sick!! Why don't you go to the toilet?" and one of the other kids, usually while I'm still hacking, asks me, "Sooo, what are we having?' I give the the fridge another try, sometimes I stay strong, sometimes not... When I don't, they have raman noodles. I know, so healthy! Like full of hydroginated fats and MSG and all. And it's been a staple in their diet lately.

UNTIL, I got these

Sea Bands

My friend told me about them and I admit, I was sceptical. Then I went out and bought some...

I wore them the rest of the day and tried to take them off at night and felt so sick I couldn't sleep. So I put them back on and slept like a baby!!

Seriously!! For me, they work amazingly!

Not only that! I LOOK so totally awesome! I mean I'm sure people see me and mistake me for some kind of professional athlete. Really though, they probably up my coolness factor like 20 points or something.

Anyway, I'm totally sold and hooked for as long as this nausea wants to be a part of my life.

Updates

2010-11-16T12:36:00.001-07:00

So, it's been a while since I've posted on here. After some encouragement from my awesome, beautiful, funny, single sister (you're welcome Rach), I've decided to update all you readers (if there are any left...).

Summer was good. We took 3 weeks to go visit family in AZ. On our way down we got to stop in Utah and stay with some friends. Very generous friends I might add. I don't know, they might not have been feeling so generous after the 7 of us left, but we had a great time anyway. Thank you Susan and Gabe!

Then, after our car broke down we got to stay with my wonderful Aunt Wendy and Uncle Marion in southern Utah. This was unexpected for them and they so graciously took us in. Aunt Wendy even let me keep her up most the night while we caught up on each other's lives. I was very grateful for this car malfunction!

In Arizona, we took turns spending time with all our family members there. It was SO great to see everyone. The kids did amazingly well too. I think that was our first non-catastrophic vacation! Yay!!!

Also, on the way home, we got to stay at my long time friend Melanie's house for a night. She opened her house up for us and gave us a much needed break on our long drive home. We had fun with you and little Owen. Hopefully next time we'll get to see Josh more too! Thanks you guys!

Since we've been home, we've started our home-schooling routine again. Through a family friend, thank you Melanie Threet, I found a lady that specializes in working with kids who have learning disabilities. I've read most of her stuff and ordered the rest. It is working miracles with my kids. It's kind of amazing! THEY are asking ME to do their school stuff with them. Thank heaven!

Oh yeah, I'd like to thank my amazing husband for taking over almost ALL of the household chores and responsibilities including, laundry, meals, cleaning, dishes, doing some of the kids school work with them and getting up with Makenzie when she wakes up at night. He does all this for me without complaint or hesitation all because I've been feeling extremely tired and nauseous!

That explanation point is an excited one by the way! I've learned that tiredness and nausea mean a good pregnancy. When I tell Brad that I feel bad for not helping out more or for needing to sleep so much, he just says ,"Stop complaining ~ you're making my baby!"

I'm pregnant!

I'm so excited! Thank you, Brad, for being here for me. Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for all of your selfless service to me and our family! My heart is so full of gratitude for you.

p.s. - Thank you Jill for being such a great mom to my hubby!!!! Guys like him are rare, but not when they come from mothers like you.

Parenting: Touching the Hearts of Our Youth

2010-08-19T12:58:00.000-06:00

As a mother, I hope to create an environment where my children can grow to become who there were sent to this Earth to be. I hope to create a nurturing environment full of unconditional love.

In the past, I have gotten caught in the trap of preventative parenting. I think this could also be called 'fear' parenting; keeping in the forefront of the mind what I am trying to avoid as opposed to what I am trying to obtain. I found myself focusing on correcting the kids and sadly sometimes only interacting with them during these corrections. So instead of being someone who is positive and uplifting, I was someone who was to be avoided. NOBODY want to hear corrections and criticisms all the time.

When I stepped back to evaluate my parenting strategies, I felt that I didn't even know who I was looking at. I didn't even know myself anymore. I've always felt that since I was a child, I have been able to love a person despite their behaviors. I've felt that it was a gift I had been given. So evaluating this person (myself) who I felt had good intentions but horrible and very detrimental methods, I was disgusted in what I saw. I knew something had to change.

I realized that I had gotten to this point because I had been so overwhelmed for so long. I was faced with behaviors and emotions from my kids that I didn't know even existed in young children prior to my getting them. I searched for help and found none. I tried following the advise of other people to no avail. I was seeing my children be hurt and abused by each other while in my care and I felt horrible. So I resorted to preventative parenting. And for a long time, my focus was on stopping these horrible things from happening.

Thankfully, after much prayer, reading and growing myself, I feel I'm not only back to who I was before, but I have learned so much!

I've learned to focus my parental energies on building great children who will become great adults, NOT on preventing delinquent adults. I try to point out the things they do right. I try to take the time to listen to them. I try to support them in what they are interested in. I take time to hold them and to look into their eyes.

In correcting them, I try to build them up in the process. I am far from perfect. And I can only say that I wish I did this all the time.

I try not to let myself get down about my mistakes, rather I learn from them and strive to be continually improving.

Great messages like the one in this video really help me to stay focused on what I want to do and who I want to be.

Childhood is so short.

I don't want to waste any time.

Signs of Healing

2010-08-10T13:16:00.003-06:00

I remember dreaming about a day when my adopted children would be able to embrace their new life and family.

I remember many late nights walking up and down the street we lived on pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father asking Him to give me the strength and stamina I needed to get them to that point.

I remember days and weeks watching them struggle as they were filled with anger and rage like I had never seen before.

I remember broken walls, shattered windows, shredded clothes, blankets, and curtains.

I remember holes and carvings in furniture.

I remember broken cabinet doors and window blinds ripped off during rages.

I remember constantly finding urine and feces nearly every time I turned around.

I remember recognizing signs of abuse much worse than anyone ever imagined.

I remember them trying to conquer their victim-mentality by becoming abusers.

I remember the horror I felt at finding out about this abuse they did to each other when I was not aware.

I remember the overwhelming guilt I felt at having not protected them better.

I remember wondering how another person's suffering and pain could be so satisfying to them.

I remember watching and realizing that their play was not play at all but scenes that could have been taken directly from a horror movie.

I remember being hit and kicked.

I remember being marked with bruises and scrapes.

I remember the spit that ran down my face immediately after I said, "I love you."

I remember their many sleepless nights and their nightmares.

I remember holding raging children wishing I could take away their pain.

I remember the hate I saw in their eyes when they looked into mine.

I remember how much that hurt.

I remember loving them so much it hurt, but not knowing how to let them know that.

I remember many mistakes I've made during heated moments, mistakes I still regret.

I remember sobbing as I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to forgive me and to not let my mistakes and my weaknesses cause them further harm.

I remember how time and again, miraculously, my burden, my sin was lifted in an instant, and the grief I felt was replaced with overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father.

I remember crying even harder after I realized how merciful He is and how willing He is to forgive.

I remember pleading for miracles to happen in the hearts and spirits of my sweet wounded children.

Now I look around and see those miracles I pleaded for.

I see smiling children.

I see Kiana doing the dishes for me so, "You won't have to."

I see Jazmine following me around all day because, "I just want to be by you, Mom. I love you!"

I hear Kishawn talk about me being in the hospital to have Makenzie and say, "If Mom goes in the hospital again to have another baby, I want to be there to take away her pain."

I soak in the times during the day when Jada stops her playing to come lay her head on my lap.

I see them mimicking me, saying phrases I say.

I see kids, when it's time to clean, choose which part of the house they will clean, then when they finish, turn to help who has not finished.

I see kids who play "house" and this time they are not only a 'functional family' but they are caring and loving.

I see their eyes light up as I tell them what I see in them and the kind of amazing people I believe they will become.

I see their spirits recognize this truth and finally they are able to embrace it.

I see them care for Makenzie in a way they never knew they were capable of.

I love that Jada snuck into my car when I left to go to a book group and when after getting there and realizing she was with me and bringing her in with me, she was glued to my side.

I see kids who proclaim to strangers, "That's my Mom!"

I see kids who beg me to be with them and to play with them.

I see them all clamor for a place beside me every time we kneel to pray.

I hear the most eloquent, beautiful prayers come out of their little mouths.

I see wisdom and understanding that can only come from making it through difficult experiences.

I see life-long friends and an eternal family.

I see a loving Heavenly Father's hand intertwined in every aspect of our lives.

I see the effects of our Savior's atonement.

and

It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!

Don't like hard work...

2010-08-04T09:12:00.000-06:00

Last night Brad asked Jazmine to help clean a muddy mess she and Kishawn left all over the front porch, walkway and driveway. She didn't want to so she pretended she didn't know what Brad meant, then, when that didn't work, threw a fit.

Brad told her that he would do it for her, and she could stay in her room until he got around to it and got it finished.

While she was in her room she wrote this note to him.

(Dear Dad, I love you but I do not like to do hard work.)

The picture shows her picking up the mud with her hands. And apparently everyone else in the family is relaxing on the porch watching the poor girl work by herself, with the exception of Kishawn who is riding his bike.

Haha. SO funny. I LOVE this girl orneriness and all.

2010-07-27T14:23:00.001-06:00

"Sometimes I would like to ask God,

why He allows poverty, famine and injustice

in the world, when He could do

something about it...but I'm afraid

He might ask me the same question."

Anonymous

I saw this on another blog and loved it, so I'm re-posting it here.

Vampire mama and daughter

2010-07-21T11:39:00.001-06:00

Kenzie

Gotta love kids!!

2010-07-07T09:51:00.000-06:00

So, we're at Taco Bell eating. The people at the table next to us are from India and are speaking Hindi.

I see Jada studying them then she turns to me and says,

"Mom. Why dem cain't talk wegululy?

translation - (Why them can't talk regularly?)

Ah, the irony

What do you do when...

2010-06-21T14:14:00.007-06:00

"Kids don't come with a manual."

I have heard this said over and over again throughout my life. I even heard it again yesterday in church. I understand where parents are coming from when they say it and I have probably said it myself from time to time.

However, I have to say that I DISAGREE with that statement! We have been given everything we need in order to raise our kids correctly. A loving Heavenly Father would not send us down and give us responsibilities, the most important of those being our children, without giving us guidance. Not only has he given us scripture to learn from, He has given us an example to follow that will never fail us. This example was Jesus Christ. Most importantly, he has given us prayer!!

I have been absolutely AMAZED and so full of gratitude at seeing my heartfelt, sincere prayers being answered over and over again. Each time I come across a situation with my kids that I'm not sure how to best handle, I turn to my Father in prayer. Each time I do so, I am given direction and inspiration.

As I pray for increased love, the ability to see my children as He sees them, the patience and love that Christ possesses, I receive it. I have no doubt in my mind that prayer is the best possible tool we as parents have in raising our children.

Prayer can be used when we pray together while kneeling in family prayer and to pray for them while kneeling in private prayer. Also, to pray for ourselves as their parents. As I have prayed for insight into their souls and what they need invariably I have received it. I find the more detailed and clear I am as I pray for my children individually, the more clear and detailed His answers are.

In raising my traumatized children, I have read numerous book on parenting in general as well as raising emotionally disturbed children. One book in particular has, hands down, had a tremendous impact on how I parent and how I handle different situations with my children. Since reading it, I have come to enjoy my children so much more and I feel much more confident that I'm doing the right thing. I HIGHLY recommend it to ALL parents of all types of children.

The book is called "Christlike Parenting" written by Dr. Glenn I. Latham. I have been praying for years to be able to possess the kind of love that Christ had for all people and feel that I have made progress over time. However, after reading this book, my relationship with my children has drastically improved! I feel that after many prayers to become for Christlike in my parenting I have been guided to find this book.

I just couldn't keep it to myself. It's that valuable.

Why I homeschool...

2010-05-15T14:19:00.001-06:00

When I began to home school the kids, I had several reasons for doing it. Such as...

Take them out of situations that were guaranteed to be overwhelming for them,
Lessen the amount of stimulation they were getting,
Reducing the opportunities they had to do things that would be harmful to their healing,
Make up for the nurturing time they lost as younger children,
Give them a strong foundation from which to build

Because the school environment was way more than they could handle, although they are smart kids, they struggled a LOT academically. I didn't know much about homeschooling. I didn't even know where to start or how to begin, but I followed my gut feeling knowing that it would be the best thing for them. I figured they weren't learning much at school anyway. Even if I didn't teach them everything the schools were trying to teach them, they would be getting something much more valuable than a school could offer hurting children. They'd be learning to accept the love of a mother and a family. They'd learn what love and safety feel like. They could learn what so many children who are raised in loving homes learn naturally. They could learn to feel safe in this world by first feeling safe at home.

Love and closeness was once very threatening to these kids. They ran from it, became to 'hyper' to be able to avoid it, raged away from it, made themselves smell to keep people away, etc. So naturally they did not like the idea of being home. At the beginning I often heard from them that they wanted to go back to school.

Although I try to give them a broad knowledge of many things, my main focus with my children is not arithmatic, geography, or writing. My main focus it to bring out their spirits; who they are meant to be. Until recently their true selves have been hidden under their pain, anger, hate, and various traumas. I think that I am finally seeing my children for who they really are instead of what their traumas brought out in them.

I am so touched by watching them play together, instead of reliving traumatic events together.
I love to see the concern in their eyes for another person's pain.
I feel so grateful each time one of them sees someone's need and helps selflessly.
I love to see the loving relationships that are being built in our home.
I think it is so adorable that Jazmine can comfort Makenzie almost as well as I can.
My spirit smiled when Jada, on her own, opened and closed the door for a person hauling new flooring into our house, then tried to help him carry everything downstairs.

Tears came to my eyes when, as we drove past their former school, my boy said, "I liked going to school, but I like being homeschooled more 'cause then we get to be with our mom all day. That's pretty awesome."

When I get the question now, what do I say?

Why do I homeschool?

I homeschool my kids because I LOVE to spend every minute of each day with them. I love watching them become who they are supposed to be. I would miss them WAY too much if I didn't get to spend all day every day with them.

Makenzie's 1st Birthday

2010-04-28T21:19:00.002-06:00

I can't believe that 1 year ago today, I had this beautiful girl.

She is such a joy!!

And she loved her cake.

She didn't want to get her hands dirty but after we gave her a spoon, she dug in.

Did I mention I LOVE this girl SOOO much?

She has brought so much to my life.

She has helped me realize what is most important.

She has taught me how to love more deeply and completely.

She brings a smile to my face at least a million times a day.

She has taught me to slow down and enjoy the little moments that could easily slip away.

I didn't know that someone's EVERY SINGLE move, sound, facial expression, even breath could be so adorable.

A few things that bring me happiness...

2010-04-24T20:26:00.000-06:00

Seeing Makenzie adore time with her daddy,

Getting ready to plant our first EVER garden,

Enjoying every minute spent with this cutie,

This sexy man who I LOVE,

Seeing the curiosity of kids and watching them learn,

Learning new things with the family,

Seeing this guy be an amazing Dad to his kids,

LOVING how stinkin' adorable this little girl is,

Watching my baby eat 10 strawberries!

Being with this clan makes me happier than I have ever been in my life!

One more thing that makes me happy...

thinking of bringing more kids into our clan.

Keep the blessings coming!

2010-04-21T18:17:00.000-06:00

I feel that the Lord is hard at work on me right now. He has blessed me and my family tremendously. He has placed people in our lives who have helped us so much. He has led me to find answers. He has shown me how to be a better mom for my kids. He has put into my heart and mind ideas about different ways to run the house and raise the children so that they can thrive. I have been tested to extremes. It's amazing how some of our deeply hidden flaws can rear their ugly heads in the mists of extreme trials. It is also amazing how exposing those flaws and weaknesses allows us to work on them, to improve ourselves. It's amazing that those flaws that I initially didn't know existed, then felt so inadequate for having them, have become strengths. His promise is real! When we bring to Him our weaknesses, He WILL turn them into strengths.

I have always felt that I had a gentle heart, that I had an ability to love everyone regardless of what they were doing, regardless of how they made me feel, regardless of any cruelty they committed. I now feel that that gift I feel I was blessed with has been enlarged and magnified 100 fold. I feel as if my understanding of the world and of mankind is so much more clear. Now, when I see someone who is acting out in various ways, my heart grieves for them. I wonder what kind of pain they have experienced. I wonder how their heart was broken. Watching the cruel things my kids are capable of doing and saying and OFTEN being the recipient and the target for those cruel acts has taught me what nothing else could have. I KNOW that at times our Heavenly Father weeps as He watches His children suffer here on Earth. Even though He knows the plan, He knows that things may get better, His heart aches with ours. These are CHILDREN. They are children of our Heavenly Father who hearts and spirits have been wounded by the mistakes of man. Deep inside of them, their true spirits yearn to emerge.

My heart grieves for all that my kids have had to endure. There have been several nights I've laid in bed crying for all of their pain and for all that they've been through. I wonder how Heavenly Father can watch His children down here suffering so much. How His heart must ache. I wish so badly that I could have had them from the beginning. I wish I could have spared them their deep heartache. I wish that I could have held them close when they needed comfort, rocked them to sleep, carried them around with me all day everyday, nursed them, taught them that the world is a great place to be that people are loving and will take care of them. I wish they would have never had to cry themselves to sleep. However, I know that He doesn't leave any of us to suffer alone. He sends His angels both from Heaven and here on Earth to help.

I wonder how many more Kianas, Jazmines, Kishawns and Jadas are out there suffering. Amazing, gentle, loving spirits that have been hurt and covered up by inexpressible pain and suffering. I have also cried myself to sleep thinking about all those other children around the world who are lonely, suffering, yearning for love. Aching for the acceptance of a loving family.

Watching my kids heal has been more rewarding than anything I have ever experienced. Seeing who they really are, their real spirits, emerge out of their painful pasts is beyond description. Watching the Savior's atonement at work is what this life is all about. I can't think of anything more fulfilling than what I am doing right now.

It hasn't been an easy road. In fact it's been the most difficult thing I've ever done, more difficult than I could have even imagined, but the reward at the end is SO beyond worth it! I can only imagine the extreme joy that is in store for me as I get to watch them grow and become who they were meant to be and to play an instrumental part in my kids' lives.

I love building the Kingdom of God here on Earth. I love being a Mom. I think there is no nobler a calling than that of a mother. I love knowing that with my children I am storing up treasures in Heaven. I once heard someone say that by having and adopting children they were not focused on populating Earth but on populating Heaven.

I don't want to limit the number of treasures I store up for myself in Heaven.
I would love to have a big family to spend eternity with.
I can finally say that I want to have more.

I want to adopt again.

AND I want to be pregnant again.

Now I guess I'll get to see what God has in mind.

Prayer Request

2010-04-20T16:47:00.000-06:00

My sweet Kishawn has been having a really hard time lately. I'll spare you the details, but if you could please offer up a prayer in his behalf I would greatly appreciate it. He could use some extra help from Heaven right now.

One of My Greatest Blessings

2010-04-19T21:25:00.000-06:00

As time goes on, I realize more and more that Kiana was not sent to me so I could help her. She was sent to me to teach me things no one else could.

This is a girl who has SO many things stacked against her.

Born into poverty,
Unstable home and care,
Not enough to eat at times,
Neglect,
Abuse,
Drug and alcohol exposure,
Severe illness as an infant resulting in seizures,
partial paralysis,
brain damage and,
an inability to speak,
multiple moves in foster care,
and more.

The brain damage she suffered as an infant has left her with an IQ of 62. She struggles to understand basic academics and logic. BUT her spirit is more mature than almost everyone I know. Her ability to love, despite everything she has been through, is miraculous and inspiring. She forgives quickly and completely. She can easily see when someone is unhappy and offers her help and comfort. Often, when she can see that I'm having a hard time she sits on the ground next to my feet and rubs them, scratches my back, rubs my shoulders or cleans something up for me without me asking her to and without the need for recognition or praise. She does it purely out of the love in her heart.

She is so full of charity for others. That Christlike love that I pray for daily comes so easily and naturally to her. She is so in-tune to the needs of others and prays for people by name. Her prayers always include her siblings and what they have been struggling with that particular day. They include her Grandpa Porter and his health, her Grandma Mia and her happiness, relatives and friends who are sick and/or struggling, and ME for my heart to grow and to love more completely. Her prayers also include anyone we have talked about that day who would need a prayer offered up in their behalf. I am so grateful for her.

I am ashamed and embarrassed to say that I haven't always appreciated or even recognized her for who she really is. Sadly I was distracted by drool, noises and grunts, and physical and mental limitations. I was more focused on the results of her trauma - screaming, crying for hours on end, excessively laughing at inappropriate times, peeing and pooping in wrong places, than I was on seeing the amazing gift I've been blessed with.

She is one of Heavenly Father's most choice, strongest spirits and He has chosen to bless ME with her. I received a Priesthood Blessing shortly after getting her that told me that her a I were best friends in Heaven before we came to Earth. I have often thought that I probably had made her a promise to find her and give her what she didn't have. I NOW realize that I am not the one who needed to save her. She came to me to help me learn what I needed to know so that I can be saved. She signed up for this life and Heavenly Father KNEW that her spirit could survive and thrive. She came here not to be saved but to save others through her example. I feel that she already has a place reserved for her in Heaven.

Life may not be easy but it IS all worth it -

2010-04-12T13:49:00.002-06:00

It's been kinda rough around here. We've been having a LOT of RAD behaviors lately. The kid that was doing really well for a long time has been raging on and off (mostly ON) since Easter. Two others have been putting their poop and pee in all the wrong places several times a day. Pretty much every activity we do quickly becomes a fight and a stubborn controlling game that eventually turns into a rage. Even when they are doing something they asked to do they ruin it somehow.

I find myself getting discouraged at times. I want to be able to plan and DO projects and activities with the kids.

So, I buy books to get some ideas, I Google, I get the supplies ready. I get excited about doing something fun together. THEN, it all blows up in my face.

Because they are siblings and have experienced most of their traumas together, it makes it much more difficult for me to keep them regulated. This article explains it beautifully. Things can be going fine and one of them shoots a look to another and all is lost, they are gone and the activity is over. They know each others' triggers and use them often, especially when they don't like the kind of attention someone is getting. I absolutely realize NOW that they should not have been kept together. Their healing would be much more likely had they been split up to heal. They have turned the abuse done to them by adults onto each other. So in a sense they are living with constant reminders of their abuse AND they are also living with some of their abusers. I've heard multiple times that people who have been abused, specifically molested or raped can get over it but always have a hard time with the thoughts of facing their abuser. My kids live with some of them!

Sometimes I find myself longing for normal, happy family interactions. I wish my kids had not been traumatized and wouldn't have all of the resulting behaviors.

Then I realize that all of this must be so much harder for the kids than it is for me. They not only have to deal with their behaviors and their actions but they are also dealing with the intense emotions that come with it. I feel privileged to be their mom, to be the one entrusted to help them through all of this. All is not doom and gloom though. Progress has been made and when I compare it to when we first got them nearly 3 years ago, they have come a LONG way. Although I realize that they still have a lot of work to do, I am so grateful for how far we have all come. They're happier than they were. They are regulated more often than they used to be. I'm happier than I was, and I feel like I have a way better understanding of things and how to deal with them! It's progress...

I like to focus on the things that make me happy so I don't get swallowed up in the moment that can sometimes seem impossible to get through so here are some of the things that help me to be able to call my life WONDERFUL!

Jada's adorable faces and the cute things she says.

Speaking of cute things Jada says...

We were sitting at the table eating breakfast and Jada says,

"Mom, you shu take a pishur of Makenz holdeen a baby like dis (mimics hugging a baby) an sen it ta Wae Wae."

I say, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, an Wachel."

Translation: "Mom, you should take a picture of Makenzie holding the baby like this - and send it to Rae Rae." "Yeah, and Rachel."

(Rae Rae and Rachel are the same person by the way. She is my wonderful lil' sister and lives in Arizona)

Kishawn and Jazmine have a very unhealthy relationship but sometimes there are glimpses of something that could become great!

I was cleaning the basement and Makenzie was letting me know that she needed to be held.

I let Jazmine play with her since I could see them and they both fell asleep.

So adorable.

I LOVE this girl. She brings so much joy to my life!!!

She is so curious and 'helps' me with EVERYTHING.

She is such a nurturer. She got this doll from a Secret Santa and it makes sounds. One of the sounds it makes is crying. When the baby 'cries', Kenz gives it a big hug. SO dang cute!

I love how much my brother Justin LOVES my kids.

They love him just as much!

(They are in the hammock swing in our basement)

I love living near my mommy!

Jazmine, Makenzie and I resting at the top of 'M hill'.

We went on a 4 hour hike that went amazing for my family!

I love sweet quiet moments like these.

At the top of the mountain, I ask Kiana how it's going.

She says, "I feel good. I walked a long way, I feel strong!"

Having Cerebral Palsy, she has a tendency to say (or sign - she doesn't talk) and think that she can't do many things.

I love times like these that give her a different view of herself!

I love how involved Brad is with our family!

He definitely puts us first.

The kids (and I) get so excited when he has days off of work and can stay home with us.

Kishawn loves to feel powerful and strong.

I love it when he feels powerful after doing GOOD things.

I love this picture!!

She played herself to exhaustion!

Jazmine's baptism

2010-04-12T12:33:00.001-06:00

Jazmine turned 8 and was able to be baptized by her Dad.

Grandma and Grandpa Porter flew in from Arizona for the baptism.

She was beaming throughout the entire event.

I've never seen her look so genuinely happy and at peace.

She had a sweet smile on her face almost the whole time.

It seemed as though the she was reflecting the light of Christ.

I'm so proud of her for making the decision to be baptized.

Easter Sunday

2010-04-04T21:57:00.001-06:00

The Easter Bunny came to our house today!

And...

~ I captured her on camera ~

She's just as cute from the front

After capturing her, I gave her a pedicure.

We had a pretty good day today considering it was a holiday.

About an hour or two after we got up and the kids found their Easter baskets,

things were going really well!

The kids were saying things like,

"This is so awesome!"

"We're so lucky."

"Do you want some of my candy?" (said to a sibling no less!)

"What color crayon do you want? Here you go."

No one was destroying any of their new possessions.

No one was trying to attack someone else.

They were all playing peacefully TOGETHER!

I was in heaven.

And I was planning on writing a post bragging about having a really good holiday with 4 traumatized kids!

We did get some of our normalcy back however.

One of them suddenly got this intense need to destroy something.

After trying to stop the destruction a few times, Brad finally gave him something to destroy.

We sent him on his way (to his designated spot in the house) and told him to let us know when he was finished.

We had several incidents of misplaced poop.

When they were well on their way to WAY overstimulating each other, we had some quiet time to give them a chance to calm down.

Which worked for a while.

In the afternoon, there were a few body slams but nothing too major.

We did close out the night with 2 of the kids losing it in their rooms at bedtime.

They switched between manic hysterical laughter and raging screaming for nearly 2 hours.

BUT

All things considered...

It was a GREAT day with good memories made!

We had family over for dinner

(Jazmine, Kishawn, and Lauren - my sis)

My dad came in from Arizona!

What a wonderful treat for us to have Papa!

(A lot of people ask me where Makenzie got her gorgeous blue eyes from.

Well, here you have it. I've always wanted his eyes and my baby got them!)

It is SO important to ENJOY the journey.

Moments like these make it easier.

I LOVE MY LIFE!!

I am so richly blessed!!

Secrets

2010-03-27T22:55:00.004-06:00

I've been very open on this blog when talking about my family, our kids, what we're experiencing and what is going on with the kids. As open as I have been, there are still many things that I keep more private for the sake of my readers (sometimes too many details can make a person feel sick to their stomach), and to allow my kids to have dignity.

With that being said, I strongly feel that secrets we feel are too shameful to share can be far more damaging when they are kept in. All the while, we think we are protecting ourselves or trying to pretend that we don't really have a secret, it is eating us from the inside out. Secrets cloud our thinking, our perception of the world and most importantly our perception of ourselves which in turn colors our every act.

I've said previously that I usually know when one of my kids has done something and gotten away with it by the escalation of their poor behavior. The secret they are holding onto taints EVERYTHING they do. I find that they become increasingly negative, angry and violent until the secret is finally discovered or revealed. Then, when it is finally discovered and talked about, it seems that they are free again, no longer weighed down. In no time at all, a horrible streak of rages, pooping and peeing in all the wrong places, destroying things, targeting and hurting other people and animals, etc. can be drastically reversed. They are then free to 'start over' in a sense, with a clean plate.

Several months ago our family went to a conference with Beth Thomas who was labeled the Child of Rage by HBO in one of their documentaries. (Clicking of the link above will take you to You Tube where you can view this documentary in 3 parts) The first thing she did at her seminar was show this video, she then said that she would explain why she had no skeletons in her closet and why she was okay with that. She was totally okay with the world knowing her story, where she had come from and what she had done. There was no shame attached to any of it. All of her experiences, good and bad, had helped form her to becoming the amazing, beautiful and loving person that she is today. They were ALL a part of her story, not just the good things.

What is VERY important with kids like mine is NOT shaming them or their secrets. For them to tell a secret is a brave thing. They put themselves out there and probably feel very vulnerable. They NEED to know that the adults in their lives (particularly their parents) are strong enough to handle them.

The very first person my kids have EVER opened up to about their past traumas was our therapist. Prior to her coming they denied that anything happened. We flew her to our house and she stayed with us for 3 days. When she walked into our house after I picked her up from the airport the kids greeted her. In her greeting back to them she held up our 100 page intake report I had written and said, "Do you know what this is? This tells me that you have sex with each other, break windows, put holes in the walls and doors, poop and pee all over the house, hurt animals..." The kids were shocked, but as the day went on they realized that not only did she, Brad and I know all these things but that we were strong enough to handle it. After realizing that, for the first time they began to open up and to be honest about their horrific pasts. But it wasn't until they knew that there was someone there who was strong enough to help them deal with it.

I used to make the mistake of always discussing the kids behaviors and what to do about them when I thought they couldn't hear me. I didn't want to hurt their self-esteem. I didn't want them to think that I thought they were bad. With our therapist though, we talked freely about things throughout her entire visit all within earshot of the kids. I said something to her about it and she said that there were no secrets. The kids already knew what they had done and were doing and eventually they'll figure out what we're going to do about it whether they hear it or not. I loved this. It felt SO open and freeing to me. Since her visit with us the kids have been much more open about things as well. And it's all been so positive!

Again it is SO important to NOT shame the kids when they tell their secrets. Trust me they already feel enough shame. Christine has done a few great posts about this on her blog a few months ago. Although often they don't show it, they live in a world of shame and us shaming them only pushes them deeper into that gloomy world. It's important to praise their bravery when they share things with us. After all they TRUSTED us enough to tell us! That's huge for these kids.

So instead of letting past experiences of things having been done to them or bad decisions they have made be something that is to be ashamed of, something that labels the kind of person they must be, it can just be something that happened. Something that they were strong enough to survive and get through. Something that they can learn from to help them to become even better and wiser people.

I started writing this post last night and put it on hold when my baby woke up crying for me. In the meantime, we have been doing our Saturday outings with the family. During the course of the day one of the fruit and nut bars I had in the diaper bag went missing. Just before it went missing Jazmine was playing games with her lunch. She threw 1/2 of it away then immediately started to cry and whine at me telling me that she was starving. She's been doing things to punish herself a lot lately then tries to make it my fault. (Just a side note - these kids believe that they deserve to be mistreated, so when no one in their environment is mistreating them they do it to themselves. When this happens I gently remind them, often in playful ways that they are now their own abusers.) So instead of trying to reason with her (which NEVER works), I played into her game. I said, "Oh poor thing! Come here and sit on my lap. It must be so sad being so hungry! And to think that your mom made you throw away 1/2 your lunch! How could she do that knowing that you were so hungry? Don't worry too much though because dinner will be soon and you can eat as much as you want!" Throughout the next 5 hours her negative behavior and sassiness escalated.

So, when the bar went missing and all the kids denied it, my suspicions immediately went to Jazmine. After denying it over and over, she finally admitted to me that she took the bar. When she did I said, "I know." and pulled her up on my lap. She became VERY tearful. I asked her if she felt bad for taking the bar or if she felt bad for getting caught. (In the past her answer was ALWAYS she felt bad for getting caught. There was never any remorse for what she had done. Only anger at getting caught doing it.) She answered that she felt bad for taking it! I told her that I was SO proud of her for feeling that way. It shows that she is finally starting to develop a conscience. She is HEALING! I said that I thought she was VERY brave for telling me what she had done. I told her that I didn't care about the bar, it was just food and could easily be replaced. But I do care about her and I care about how she feels inside. I told her that when we do good things we feel good. Then I had her come up with a way to do a good thing and replace the bar or the value of it. She let me hold her and comfort her for nearly 20 minutes while she got her composure back. A little while later while we were eating dinner she whispered to me, "I feel proud of myself." "So do I." I told her. "So do I." And she has no idea how much!

There is a quote that says, " ...if they never should have bitter, they could not know the sweet." And another that says, "...and they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good." People who have known much heartache and pain can be so much more capable of feeling and enjoying joy and happiness. There is hope for these kids. Healing can happen. It isn't quick and it can't be scheduled, but it IS possible. I believe that our Heavenly Father is a loving Father and I know that He wouldn't ask us to do something we couldn't do. He loves each of His children and wants the best for all of us including abused children and their abused (by the children) adoptive parents.

Saturday!!!

2010-03-13T21:36:00.005-07:00

Our Monday - Friday routine is very structured. We do a LOT of attachment promoting activities and homeschooling. The kids are always cycling in their progress, meaning they improve, then regress, then improve and regress and so on... We just aim for the improvements they make to be continually climbling and their regressions to be not quite as low as the last time. So, HOPEFULLY it looks something like this:

Right now, we have one kids that is doing REALLY well, one that is kind of stuck and two that are in a regression big time. One thing that makes these kids sicker and act out more is having a secret. By secret, I mean something that they have done and gotten away with. One of the kids has really been acting out BIG TIME. We were trying to figure out what had gotten into him. Was a trauma triggered? Did he hurt someone or something? Had he stolen something? Did he destroy something? They are so closely monitored that I was having a hard time figuring out what might have happened that I didn't see. Finally, I caught him in the act. I caught him in the kitchen. The kids are NOT allowed to step foot into the kitchen for a variety of reasons, but discussing them would be off the point. Anyway, he screamed at me for over 30 minutes that he was just getting a drink, he hated me and telling me I am stupid. I knew he was up to something. That is definitely guilty behavior. Later that night, Brad opened his bedroom door, knocked over his shoe and Skittles (a lot of them) rolled across the floor. The next day Brad and I noticed that we were 'missing' nearly 30 protein bars! I found the wrappers in his room, but he denied taking them. Even now, he said he only took 2 of them. I found various clothes, sheets, and shredded paper smeared with poop and soaked in pee hiding in the springs of his mattress. He stole some gum and candy and who knows what else from people at church and was hiding the evidence in a hole he made in his wall.

No wonder he's been acting out.

These are only the secrets he's hid that we've found out about!

Meanwhile we were replacing the urine and feces saturated flooring in another kid's room. Brad and child had taken out the carpet and padding and cleaned the floor underneath. While we were taking out the carpet they unscrewed the window to air out the room. Without remembering that the window was open, I sent her to her room. After a few cars driving slowly around our cul-de-sac eying our house, I started to wonder... I went out front and sure enough she was on the roof trying to break into her sister's bedroom window. Later, after Brad had laid all the flooring, except for the edges that had to be cut to fit, she went into her room and tore up and ruined about 1/2 of the flooring that had been laid. A couple days later, Brad was patching the holes she had made in drywall in her room. After tearing off the drywall tape he put on, she smeared her hands, arms (heck, whole body) all over the drywall mud and painted her new flooring with it. (Thank goodness it's water soluble.)

In addition to giving the boy a stash of food to keep in his room (because he obviously doesn't trust that he will be fed yet), I individually told both kids that I could love them no matter what they stole, no matter how much they destroyed, no matter what kind of names they yell at me for being their 'mom' (the name that in the past has deserted, frightened and hurt them). I told them that I could love them no matter how angry they feel, that I am strong enough to handle their anger and their hurt. That their secrets (past and present, abuse done to them or things they have done) won't scare me. I told them that I will always love them no matter what.

Because they can get so stuck in their pathology, I try to give them opportunities to come out of it. I do things that surprise them like walk around the house doing a chicken dance, talking like they do but in a playful way (mumbling, whining, or talking literally non-stop), mirroring their facial expressions, make up funny little stories about one of them and tell it to Makenzie in a very exaggerated way (I make sure they can hear me), walk through the room like a ballerina, anything to make them giggle instead of giving out hate looks every time my eyes meet theirs.

Something else we do is give them something to look forward to so that instead of always thinking negatively, they can have something positive to look forward to. That is what SATURDAY is. It's a day off of school work and a day for family fun.

This particular Saturday was much needed for not only the kids but for ME too.

First, we went to a local gym to go bouldering. This is something we do about 3 times a month. We all have a lot of fun and the kids get a big sense of accomplishment.

The weather was great today, so next we headed outside. It was a much needed break for all of us after a challenging week.

It's during times like these that I am reminded to count my blessings:

A wonderful, supportive in every way, husband
An attaching child who settles and relaxes into my lap
A beautiful house and beautiful country to live in
The gospel of Jesus Christ to bring me hope and peace
The sincere giggle of a child
Rocking my baby to sleep
Rubbing lotion on my 8 year old's 'owies', taking care of her in a way I wasn't able to when she was young
Reading stories to the kids before bed
Bottle feeding my 4 year old Jada, because she still needs to be babied and I didn't get to when she was a baby
The awkward hug initiated by Kishawn who is trying to let me in his heart but is terrified to do so
The developing conscience of my sweet 8 year old Jazmine
The I-love-you sign flashed across the room to me by Kiana
Playing silly games with my kids and getting them to look into my eyes with excitement in theirs
A husband who knows how to repair a damaged house
An amazing therapist who is just a phone call away! THANK YOU!!!!

Houseguest - attachment therapist

2010-02-27T19:56:00.001-07:00

This week we were so blessed to have one of the LEADING attachment therapist in the country stay at our house!

Deborah Hage and her husband have 2 birth children, 7 adopted children and were therapeutic foster parents to 5 children. She is now one of the most well known attachment therapists and our family got to have her undivided attention for 3 days!

(Kiana, Me, Deborah, Jada, Jazmine, Kishawn)

It was an amazing experience having her in our home doing trauma work with the kids and helping Brad and I fine tune our therapeutic parenting skills.

The trauma work she did with the kids was awesome. Finally they were able to get all of the "skeletons in their closets" out. The secrets that held onto, that eat them up inside were taken out into the open analyzed, discussed and now are not nearly as terrorizing as they were. It grieves my heart to know the horrors they have experienced. I even learned of more of the traumas they have been through. Through it all though, I felt strengthened and lifted up by unseens hands. I know that my Heavenly Father is looking out for us!

Therapeutic parenting is NOT natural instinctive parenting. It is geared toward helping traumatized children feel safe in their environment, with us their parents, and in control of themselves. It is VERY difficult parenting to do, BUT the most loving kind of parenting there is for traumatized kids. For our family, it means ABSOLUTE STRUCTURE. I can almost guarantee that the amount of structure we must have within our home cannot be understood without seeing it in action. With it, the kids can grow, heal and thrive. Without it? Catastrophe.

I have to say that I feel that, with Deborah, every cent of what we paid to have her come was worth it. She stayed up at night brainstorming ideas to help our unique family. Every fiber of her being was focused on helping us. I feel like I got a HUGE second wind to keep me moving forward. HUGE progress was made with the kids as well.

I cannot begin to explain what it means to have support like Deborah. So Deb, if you're reading this thank you from the bottom of my heart for the precious gift you have given our family this week! We look forward to working with you again and again!!

She's her mother's daughter

2010-02-21T13:21:00.002-07:00

I often hear from people that Makenzie looks a lot like me.

I LOVE that!

Yesterday Brad was cleaning out some boxes and found this picture.

Laree and Me (on the right)

Compare it to this one...

Me and Makenzie

I LOVE homeschooling!

2010-02-16T17:47:00.001-07:00

Before homeschooling -

My kids stole and hoarded food and toys.
They would rather do ANYTHING, including staying in their rooms, than do something with the family.
They thought that THINGS would solve their problems and fill the emptiness they felt inside and became desperate if they didn't get the most recent THING they thought they had to have.
They fought us on EVERYTHING, especially anything related to school.
They absolutely could NOT and would NOT interact with other children, especially each other, in an appropriate way.

After homeschooling - (First off I should qualify this saying that we are still working through a LOT of stuff with them, but our definition GOOD is way different than it used to be. And THIS, for our family, is not only good it's GREAT!!)

They LOVE books and are starting to LOVE reading!
They no longer look for THINGS to fill the emptiness they feel.
Although school related things can still call for extreme control battles, they are taking more initiative in seeing that they get their work done on their own.
We are starting to have short periods of time every now and then when they interact with each other in a healthy way!!

Today, out of the blue, Jazmine said,
"THINGS aren't important. Family and having parents is important."

They are also starting to develop self-esteem. In the past (and still sometimes now), when they weren't able to do something correctly or when they got corrected they completely shut down. They felt terrible about themselves and their feelings would manifest themselves in their behavior by bullying someone else, getting defiant and disrespectful and throwing fits. I love the little moments that show that they are finally starting to see value in themselves. For example, yesterday and today we took Jazmine to the pool that Brad works at and had her swim with the swim team to see if she liked it. At one point they were diving off the diving blocks and Jazmine didn't get how to do it. When she was finished, her comment about it was, "I'm still working on learning how to dive but I'll get it. I loved swim team."

I don't think anything could make me feel happier than to see my kids finally 'get it'!!!

How to know when progress is happening...

2010-02-01T18:47:00.004-07:00

Today a whopping 3 of 4 kids finished their school and house work before lunch!! That, in and of itself, is a miracle in our household. Among the 3 finishing kids there were minimal control games played and lots of enthusiasm!

To celebrate we took them to the local thrift store to find some ice skates for them. There is an outdoor skating rink within walking distance of our home, but we haven't been able to use it due to lack of skates.

While we were there, Brad asked Kishawn to choose between getting ice skates or snow boots for his snowboard. (Kishawn snowboards down the hill in our backyard every chance he gets, but right now he has a cheap flimsy plastic board. He LOVES to snowboard!) So, what was his answer?

"I think I'll take the skates 'cause then I can do that with the family."

That melted Brad's heart and he bought him both of them.

Then...

Jazmine said (completely on her own without any prompting) that she wanted to buy Gramma Mia a necklace to replace the one she broke. She used every bit of her birthday money to buy Gramma the necklace. She must have said at least 5 times,

"I feel so happy that I bought this for Gramma! I can't wait to give it to her!"

We drove to Gramma's work (she is now working as a nurse!) and Jazmine gave her the necklace. She cried and Jazmine was thrilled!

Then...

When we were driving home, Kishawn asked if we could go out to eat. Brad answered that we could go to the 'Porter House'. He said they have great food there and I added that the chef was fantastic (Brad is the cook in our house). I told them the chef's name is Bradley Scott Porter. (Typically a 'no' answer elicits an immediate tantrum but instead...) The kids got it and talked among themselves. It went something like this...

"Oh yeah that place is great! It's actually in our house!"

"I know I love that place!"

"And what's cool about it is the maker (chef) even gets to eat with us!"

"Oh cool! I love that!"

"It's so cool to have that in our house!"

Whatever has happened to my kids, please stay this way at least for the rest of the night?!

I'm loving this!!!!!

Control to the extreme

2010-01-22T19:57:00.006-07:00

Children with RAD crave control more than they crave anything else including relationships, love, comfort, fun, or showing others that they are smart or capable. They even crave it more than food!

Because of the way their brain had to adapt to survive in their less than ideal environments as babies and toddlers they feel that giving up control, even one tiny iota of it, means death to them. They will stubbornly hold on to their chosen control tactic with all they are worth, while life passes them by. They'll miss out on family fun, playing, dessert, outings, just about anything rather than giving up that control that they view as so vital to their survival.

Just for the record doing something my way means giving up control.

To give just a little glimpse of what this can look like, I will use just one example from the last 2 days...

One of Jada's school assignments was to count out 3 blue plastic bears. I already know that she knows the color blue and how to count to 10 (she can count to 10 using manipulatives as well by touching each item as she counts it). So this request is well within her ability.

At 9:30am on Thursday morning:
Initially I gave her a bag of plastic counting bears that contained 4 different colors. I asked her to hand me 3 blue bears. She pulled out all the red ones and gave them to me.
"What color did I ask for?" I ask her.
"This one?" she asks as she points to a green bear.
"Is that what I said?"
"Is it?" she repeats back to me.

I have her choose between doing 10 correct jumping jacks or 20 sloppy ones to 'get the blood flowing to her brain' so she is sure to hear me correctly next time I say my request. She does 20 sloppy jumping jacks after falling to the ground and moaning for a few minutes.

Again, I say, "I want you to give me 3 blue bears. What is it I want?"
"What number is it? 2 red ones?"

More jumping jacks, the blood must not be flowing enough yet...

"I want you to give me 3... (1.. 2.. 3.. ) blue (I hold up a blue bear) bears. What is it I want?"
"This one?" she asks while holding up a blue bear.
"Right!! How many?"
"6?"
"Oh, that's okay. You can try again. I want 3 (I count to 3 with my fingers, then I count to 3 with her fingers), blue (I hold up 3 blue bears) bears. What do I want you to do?"
"Get red ones?"

More jumping jacks. I tell her to think about it and I'll be back to her. A few minutes later, I try again. "I want you to give me 3 blue bears."

She pulls out 1 red bear, 1 green bear and 1 yellow bear and hands it to me.
"Yay!! You gave me three!!!" I pop a jelly bean into her mouth. "Now make them blue."

She tenses up when I get excited about giving me the correct amount and makes sure to NOT do that again. For the next 2 and a half hours until lunch I am monitoring her while I am watching the other kids and making sure they are staying on task as well as trying to break through their controling games. About every 3-5 minutes I ask her if she's figured it out yet. She gets out 5 blue bears, 2 yellow, 1 red, and probably every other possible combination except 3 blue bears.

We eat lunch, have quiet time and get back to it in the afternoon. She stays at it for the rest of the day, taking breaks to get her blood flowing to her brain by doing jumping jacks and jumping on the mini-trampoline. Finally it was bed time, she still hadn't counted out 3 blue bears.

"No problem!" I tell her. "You can try again tomorrow! Hopefully getting a good nights rest will help!"

So 'tomorrow' was today. After breakfast and chores, she gets back to it. This time, I write out on the white board

" 3 blue bears "

I draw 3 dots under the number three, put a blue bear under the word blue and draw 3 bears under the word bear.

Lunch comes and goes. Still can't count to 3...
Quiet time comes and goes. Not yet...
It's nearly dinner time and we whip out the video camera to see it'll motivate her to comply. At this point I had taken away all the other bears except for 3 blue ones. I just asked her to count the 3 blue bears.

The video camera WORKED!!! It took a little prodding, but it worked! After she said it, we celebrated. She got a jelly bean, we did a dance together and we went downstairs to the swing in the basement to play together.

After coming back up, Brad asked her to count to 3 again, but somehow she couldn't do it.

I do have a method to this maddness. I figure that I'll wait them out. I do my best to not let their stubborness effect me. I know they WILL be stubborn and try to control things so I plan on it happening. I try not to let it make me frustrated or angry. If by chance I do start to feel frustrated or angry, I DON'T let them see that. They LOVE it when they feel strong enough to control another person's emotions, especially an adults. Anger is what they are used to and comfortable with so they try to create it in their environment.

So, why would I home school them if this is what I face everyday? Because it happens at school as well. They are not interested in learning. They want to control everyone and everything around them. At least at home, we can work on attachment in the midst of all their controlling games.

My task is to change the way they think by rewiring their brains in a sense. When they finally do comply I make sure that good things happen. I might dance around the room with them, do a little chearleading type cheer for them, pick them up and spin them in circles. Take a 'break' with them and play or move together (moving together promotes attachment). Often, I pop something sugary in their mouth. Sugar activates the pleasure center of the brain. So when they comply with something I've asked, I try to associate this with something pleasurable. Eventually, with constant repetition, instead of thinking compliance equals bad things happening for them, it can mean good things happen for them.

The other day Jazmine finished ALL of her school work and chores (this doesn't happen very often with any of them). We threw her a party complete with cupcakes, candles and singing. She did it again the next day!!! Talk about a modern day miracle!!! We got 2 days in a row from one of them! Day 3 was not as good, but that's to be expected. Healing takes place in in spirals. They make progress and then regress. The good thing is that each time they make progress it's just a little more than the last time. And every time they regress it's not as far back as last time. With 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, we move forward.

So one jelly bean at a time, one silly dance at a time, one celebration at a time, one hug at a time, one tiny breakthrough at a time, healing and attachment happens.

I tried to post the video but I couldn't get it to convert to a format compatible for the blog.

Our Christmas Nativity Scene Play

2010-01-04T20:54:00.007-07:00

I know it's a little late to be posting about Christmas, but I couldn't pass up posting these pictures from our fantastic Nativity Scene play done with my kids, my mom and my brother and sister, Justin and Lauren.

Acting out the Christmas story has been a tradition in my family since I was little. My Grandma made all of the costumes and we used them every year. I was so excited when my mom told me she had them.

Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem on a donkey.

Joseph - Kishawn
Mary - Jazmine
Donkey - Justin

The birth of Jesus:
played by Makenzie (pink binky and all)

The beautiful angels announcing His birth:
Lauren, Kiana and Jada

The shepherds were sore afraid!
-Justin and Mom-

Mary and Joseph enjoying and being amazed by their baby.

The kids were SO into this!
It was very sweet to watch how tender they were being with each other.
It's moment's like these that make all the struggles worth it!

The shepherds and wise men arrive to see the baby Jesus.

Baby Pictures of the Kids!!!!

2010-01-01T09:43:00.006-07:00

While I was in Arizona for my sister's wedding, I got to meet part of the kid's biological family. My mom went with me to meet their birth mother's dad, step-mom, and step brother and sister. They were very welcoming to us. I had a great time with them.

The kid's mom died in a car accident last April. Her family gave me some pictures she had of the kids that they had found after she died.
I was very excited because other than the pictures that Jada's foster family gave me of her, I had no pictures of them before we got them.

This picture was actually taken after we got them.
It was taken during one of the visits they had with their mom.
(Kiana, Jada, their birth mom, Kishawn and Jazmine)

This is Kiana as a baby, before she lost her baby hair.

This is Jazmine as a baby.
From left to right - Jazmine, birth mom, Kiana.

Jazmine, Kiana and Kishawn as a baby before he lost his baby hair.

Jazmine, Kiana and Kishawn

Jada sometime between 0-4 months of age.

Thank you so much to the kid's family for giving us these pictures!! They mean so much to the kids and to me! What a priceless treasure!

My Little Cutie!!

2009-12-15T22:51:00.005-07:00

I love this little girl SO much!!

From the mouths of babes...

2009-12-06T18:03:00.004-07:00

So,

we just came back from a chorus concert that I had.
It was about an hour drive away and we brought the whole family.

After I got there, I changed my clothes and someone else in the choir put my stage makeup on.

I had a few minutes before we started so I went into the auditorium to feed Kenzie.

When Jada saw me all dressed up and made up, she said,
"Mom, you look handsome!"

Then after the concert was over, Kishawn said,

"Mom, you were the prettiest one up there. Like out of all the girls, you were prettiest."

Which reminded me of a few days ago when we were all in the basement doing "Tae Bo" together. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kishawn looking at me. Finally, he said kind of quiet like,

"Mom, you look sexy."

Poop, poop and more poop!

2009-12-03T16:42:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be living in a toilet forever!

With all 4 of the kids peeing their pants and getting the urine smell on everything, and poop being deposited everywhere except the toilet almost daily, there is no escaping the feeling of living in a port-a-john.

Today, just after lunch, we were dancing to some music when I smelled the dreaded smell. Kishawn was excused from the "dance floor", to go wash out his pants and take a shower. At this request, he started a raging fit. Me, already close to the end of my rope, started quiet time a little early. Then, after quiet time, the seeming ever present aroma stuck it's head out again when I sat down next to Jazmine. I told her to go take care of it and take a shower.
"I CAN'T!!! IT'S IN THE HOLE THAT'S IN MY WALL!!!" she screamed at me.

So after Brad comes home, he breaks down the dry wall to get to it, and sees a foot high pile of garbage and feces inside of the wall! "There you go" he says... On to the next screaming rage (when combining the kids, this is number 9 for the day).

"I HAVE TO CLEAN ALL OF THIS?!"

insert screaming, raging fit here.

Meanwhile, Kishawn is upstairs screaming about having to clean the poop out of his pants, Kiana was sent to play in the basement after she even further enraged the other kids by laughing hysterically at their doings, Jada is taking advantage of me being preoccupied doing her Tasmanian Devil act spilling water all over the kitchen, shredding my papers, dumping the laundry all over the family room, taking the ornaments off the Christmas tree, and spreading Kenzie's nicely put away clothes all over her room. I'm holding Kenzie during all of this and she is turning into herself more and more from all the tension in the house.

To an extent, I have gotten used to afternoons like this, but my poor sweet baby isn't capable of understanding what's going on. So she dissociates and becomes unresponsive to outside stimuli.
At this point, I focus all my attention on comforting her and bringing her back into the present.

Just a little glimpses into a not uncommon afternoon when living with 4 kids with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder).

Baby Steps

2009-10-26T14:03:00.005-06:00

Before I understood my children, before I knew what Attachment Disorder was and that they had it, before I knew that literally 1/2 their brain didn't function like an emotionally healthy child's does or function at all!, before... when I was naive and ignorant about my kids and their emotional health, I felt...

like a horrible mother,
alienated from friends and family because of my kids behavior,
judged by those I love the most,
judged by those I didn't know at all,
misunderstood,
hopeless,
full of hope with a new idea only to have the hope and the idea smashed and thrown back in my face over and over and over again by the kids themselves,
incapable of loving like a mother should,
a longing to feel love from my kids who only showed me hate and anger,
that any small step in the right direction was immediately followed by 3 gigantic leaps backwards

I wondered if all parents got slapped in the face when bending down to hug their child, got yelled at when telling their kids how much they love them, got spit on while walking by their children in passing, were constantly cleaning up poop and pee all over their house, got kicked, got scratched 'til they bled...

Did all parents have to deal with full blown fist fights, 150 decibel screaming and kids refusing to keep their seat belt on and stay in their seat every time they were in the car? Did other parents constantly have to be on guard to make sure their kids didn't abuse, humiliate or molest each other? How did they keep their houses so nice when I woke up to a complete and udder disaster every morning. Pictures all over the floor, food dripping off walls and smashed into the carpet, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, and soap bottles emptied all over mirrors, toilets, walls, floors and clothes, and toilet paper rolls filling the toilets. After attempting to supervise clean-up each morning, I was already exhausted and it was only 9 o'clock!

I wondered why, when I was tired, the thoughts of getting out of bed to face another day with them sometimes brought tears to my eyes. I blamed myself, felt sorry for myself, got over it and had yet another 'brilliant' idea to help them. Time after time, my reward systems became fighting systems. My one-on-one time with them became a mom bashing session with name calling, telling me they hate me, they didn't want to be with me, being spit on, swung at, kicked, bit, etc. Trying to get them distracted with outside activities resulted in someone else's kids getting hurt, complete melt downs, and phone calls to "Come pick your kids up!"

Before I knew that all of these behaviors, all of this hate that was targeted directly at me (the mother figure) , all of this anger was NORMAL for an attachment disordered child, I felt ASHAMED and hopeless.

I didn't talk about it. I put up a facade that everything was okay. I didn't want people to think bad about the kids and treat them badly and I didn't want them to think I was completely incapable of motherhood even though that was just how I felt.

The few people I did open up to had no way of understanding. How could anyone possibly know what it feels like to live with 4 people who hate you and have a deep seeded rage? Often times a rage that is unloosed 3-4 times a day by each child! That means dealing with a raging (screaming, kicking, hitting, scratching, pooping, peeing, property destroying child) 12-16 times a day! These were rages that lasted up to an hour and a half. One of our kids could go for 4 and 5 hours!

I felt VERY alone!

Personally, I feel that I have made huge strides! We now have an attachment therapist who has introduced us to some interventions and therapeutic parenting. Finally I have someone to talk to who understands what all of these behaviors mean and how I feel!

I am now able to talk about it. I am doing something that has been proven to work for others, instead of something else I've come up with hoping maybe this one, this time would work. I am starting to see progress in the form of tiny baby steps. It's progress and I'll take it!

Because of all the neglect, abuse and repeated moves in foster care the kids faced as babies and toddlers, they never developed a conscience. This means that they can steal, lie, hurt others and even kill without feeling any remorse. I have walked in on a kid trying to kill our family dog on more than one occasion. I've had a threat from one of them to stab Makenzie (the baby). I understand that this must be difficult to comprehend to someone who has never seen it, it's even difficult for me to comprehend.

It is because of this, living with these kids for the last 2 1/2 years, watching how their minds work and seeing how sick they are that makes the sweet little things they do actually HUGE things!!

On most mornings, I do a 'Feelings Journal' with each of them to help them become more attuned to their feelings. I ask them what their worst thing and their best thing was from the day before.

The other day Kishawn's answer for his worst thing was:

"The girls were screaming and I could feel the Holy Ghost leave. I felt sad."

His response for his best thing was:

"I didn't join the girls screaming during quiet time and I got to come out on time. I felt good about my decision. I felt proud of myself."

WOW!!! I had tears in my eyes!
That's more than a baby step in my eyes. I'm so proud of him!

Here's what we've been up to...

2009-09-19T15:33:00.015-06:00

MAEGAN, COLVIN AND KAYDENCE

came to visit!!

DAN, PAIGE AND LANDON
came to visit!

SYLVAN LAKE
We went with Maegan, Colvin, Kaydence, Dan, Paige, Landon, Mom, Justin and Lauren! So fun!

We had a delicious picnic provided by Gramma Mia!
(It did look good before my kids got to it.)

KISHAWN'S 1ST BMX RACE

A WALK TO THE STREAM

Kiana tries it out...

CAMPING
We went camping with several of our friends and their families.

KOA
My brother, Justin, had a summer job at a resort, so we took the kids there a few times to play.

(Andrea came to visit. We LOVED it and wish she would move here!)

I even tried it out. (Pardon the belly shot) These bikes are steered by tilting your body side to side.
It took Jada under 5 minutes to figure it out. Pretty good for 3 years old I think.

DATE NIGHTS
Thanks to the extreme generosity of some people from church (babysitting our kids),Brad and I have been able to go on some dates!!
PACTOLA LAKE

It was beautiful!!

THE FAIR
Makenzie got her first Farris Wheel ride!

BASEMENT ADDITIONS
We're making our basement more fun in preparation for cold winter days.

I had to add this adorable picture!

Added especially for my lovely sister, Andrea.

A Deeper Look into Our Family

2009-08-17T13:14:00.013-06:00

We've kept very busy this summer. About a month and a half ago, I decided to home school the kids. I've been trying it out during the summer to see if it would even be feasible for our family. It's been kind of rocky but I'm amazed at how well it's been going.

Everyone I tell this to asks me if I'm crazy, especially those who know our family best. My kids (the older 4) aren't necessarily 'normal'. They have a lot of past trauma and neglect and all suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder. As I learn more about older adopted children,the issues they face and how to help them, I am becoming more eager to do whatever I have to do. In a book I recently read there was a list of possible behaviors children with Attachment Disorders might have. Including:

Superficially engaging and "charming" behavior
Indiscriminate affection toward strangers
Lack of affection with parents on their terms
Little eye contact with parents
Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter
Inappropriate demanding and clingy behavior
Lying about the obvious
Stealing
Destructive behavior to self, to other, and to material things
Abnormal eating patterns
No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
Lags in learning
Abnormal speech patterns
Poor peer relationships
Lack of cause-and-effect thinking
Lack of conscience
Cruelty to animals
Preoccupation with fire

Between the four of them we have dealt with every behavior in the list. I was actually encouraged when I read this. Finally there was someone who understood what we were going through and who had answers for us!

I've learned that my kids, who were so charming and affectionate to us at first but then became angry, aggressive and refused any affection from us were acting out of a pattern that they've been forced to learn; that any time you let yourself get too close and to love someone things will change, that person will leave you or hurt you. We've dealt with consistent stealing; getting reports from neighbors, family and the school that things were missing and have woken up many morning to find the contents of our pantry ravaged through, eaten and thrown all over the house. We've watched in wonder at the dinner table night after night as they stuffed their mouths so full they couldn't chew, ate everything with their hands or putting their mouths to their plates (like dogs do), eating all the food within sight 'til it was gone sometimes 4 or 5 times as much as I can eat, finding food under mattresses, in pillows, in drawers and closets.

I've seen them make friends only to scare them away a short while later. We've repaired countless drywall holes, replaced several destroyed beds, found every toy they've ever owned at our house cut, chewed, torn apart, smashed, crushed and completely destroyed. We've tried to calm them as they run rampant around the house screaming, hitting, kicking, and pulling each others' hair.

I've watched in horror as they've hurt our dogs, kicking them, hitting them, dragging them by their tails and smothering them. After we pull them off, I wonder what the smug smiles on their faces meant.

I've felt helpless and fearful as my 7-year-old, after being sent to her room, bled from several cuts from climbing out her broken window (broken during a tantrum the previous day) several times, screamed at the top of her lungs 'til the neighbors started to worry and refused to let me stop her. In fear of her seriously injuring herself and me being unable to help, I called the police to have them help. Their appearance did stop that specific behavior but not the screaming tantrum that continued for another 2 hours.

I've woken up at 2:30 in the morning to the sounds of one of my kids, having climbed out her bedroom window, running around the outside of our house yelling, "Someone HELP me!" This behavior continues for several consecutive nights causing my mom (who herself fantastically raised 9 children) to sleep outside her bedroom window on the ground. Each time she tried to come out, my mom would tell her to go back in! (One of the many funny stories to be told around a family reunion camp fire in the future I'm sure!)

I've had to inform the neighbors of our situation and to not be alarmed when they heard strange noises coming from our house.

I've become an expert lie detector. I can see them coming even before they start! I was stunned into speechlessness when I realized that my 7-year-old was peeing down the heating vent in her room, my 6-year-old down his metal frame bed post, on his walls and drawing pictures in his carpet with his pee, and my 3 year old into her laundry.

I've wondered what to do when every time we went somewhere and my son would poop his pants. He also would poop his pants whenever something made him angry, sometimes as often as 6 times a day. We've found poop smeared all over walls, mirrors, clothes, beds... practically every place imaginable.

I've held kids for over an hour as they scream, kick and hit until they calm down, then hold them longer rocking them and singing to them as if they were a baby. I tell them that they didn't have someone to take care of them when they were young so I want to do it now.

I felt so much sorrow at realizing what all of these behaviors mean. Realizing that as tiny infants they were left to cry in hunger and discomfort for hours. Instead of receiving love and care they were hit. When they finally found someone to care for them who they gave their hearts to (some of their foster parents) they were taken from them. They learned that those you love and care for will disappear so it's easier and less painful to not let yourself love or to be lovable.

I've wondered how I can recreate their early years with four of them at once. I spend much of every day holding them, rocking them, reading to them and even feeding them with bottles to help them heal, but still I feel like I'm not doing enough. Sometimes I have to choose which ones I'm going to hold and which ones I have to let wait while they cry and tantrum. Even when they're all home all day, there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to attend to all of them how I should.

But we are doing everything we know to make things better. Brad has cut his work hours drastically to be home more and we are homeschooling them to keep them near us more, to help them be able to attach to us how a child should be attached to a parent. I spend almost every waking moment of everyday with them.

I'm reminded of just how fragile they are and how vulnerable they feel when after several months without a date, Brad and I go on a 2-hour-date. We came back to angry kids who won't look us in the eye or even acknowledge that we're talking to them. When we got too close to them they'd lash out at us. It took nearly 3 full days to get back to where we were before our 2-hour-date.

So with a huge and constant prayer in our heart and with all the energy we possess, we push forward with the hope that things are getting better and that we can make a difference for these kids that we love so much.

This is a creek that is about a 5-10 minute walk from our house!! It's SO beautiful and the kids had a great time playing in it for several hours.

I can't even begin to express the adoration I have for this little girl. She makes my every waking moment brighter and even my dreams too. I am convinced that I have the sweetest, happiest most tender-spirited baby ever born. I have a hard time sharing her with others who are dying to hold her. She makes motherhood SOOO rewarding.

Several times throughout the day I'll be holding her or she'll be lying somewhere close to me and I'll glance over at her to see her busting out in a big grin as she follows me with her eyes.

She 'talks', laughs and smiles all day long. Her spirit is very sensitive. Brad and I have both noticed her become uncomfortable around contention and be awed and calmed by beautiful music.

When she was just 3 days old, I took her to a musical fireside the missionaries put on that I was asked to sing in. My mother-in-law sat in the back with her and was in awe as Kenzie completely relaxed at the start of each song and looked around the room in wonder. As each song ended she'd drift off to sleep until the next song started and she'd look around again, sometimes with a smile on her face. Then as my mom and I sang a duet tears ran down my mother-in-law's cheeks as she watch her react to our voices.

She's been a happy and content baby from the very start. She was smiling at me before I even left the hospital with her after she was born. During her first 2 weeks, I heard her cry maybe 3 times including the minutes after she was born. Many times when I'm holding her she relaxes into me so much that I'll be sure she has fallen asleep. I face her toward someone and ask them if she's sleeping and be told that her eyes are wide open and she's looking around.

One of my very favorite things she does is while I'm nursing her. She'll be eating then pull off, look up at me and smile the sweetest, biggest, most precious smile at me then, she'll go back to eating.

She smiles at EVERYTHING! She smiles when I'm changing her diaper, when I change her clothes, when she meets my gaze, while she's eating, in the car, when I wipe her mouth, when I give her baths, when she spitting-up, when I lay her down, when I pick her up, she's even smiled at me a few times when I cleaned her nose out with a bulb syringe!! She knows how to make her momma's heart melt.

She's our angel and makes every day brighter!
This video is classic Kenzie behavior!
(make sure the volume is turned up)

She even tells me she loves me while she sleeps!Her quiet, peaceful influence everyday calms every member of our family. She is adored by all of us.

We ARE still here...

2009-07-20T12:52:00.010-06:00

We've been busy since my last post almost 3 months ago...

But that's no excuse. I think the real reason I've slacked on my blogging is because I haven't wanted to stop looking at and holding my baby for a long enough period of time to post anything.
Can you blame me? Look at her!! She's adorable!
In the mean time, Kenzie got her first bath at home...
Laree, my sister, surprised me by showing up at my house the day I got home from the hospital. I couldn't have been happier to see her! She stayed for a week!...
Grandma Porter came to visit! It was so fun to have her here!! And I missed her terribly after she left. Not to mention I ate better than I have in a VERY long time.
I think Grandma's favorite thing while she was here was her daily afternoon naps with Makenzie...

Makenzie went to church for the first time...

We went to Mt. Rushmore twice. Once with Laree and again with Grandma...

We took the kids to the Air Show...

Laree, all her kids, Rachel and Jason all came and were here to see Makenzie get blessed by her Daddy...We had a good time with family (going to Rushmore Cave, Cosmos, and other tourist attractions)...
I admired and enjoyed my baby...

Brad and I took the kids to Storybook Island...

And we went to Arizona for 4 weeks.
Unfortunately, my camera broke so I didn't get any pictures of the Turley family reunion, time spent with friends and family or the Porter family reunion. But we all had a great time. It was nice, however, to leave the 115 degree heat and come home to 69 degrees. Ahhh.

Our Amazing Little Miracle!!!!!!

2009-05-03T08:55:00.011-06:00

She's Here!!!!

Makenzie Ann Porter

At my last doctor visit, my doctor decided to induce me.
We were told to check into the hospital on Monday morning at midnight.
After we got there, they started the induction with a drug called Cytotec.
I had contractions all day Monday that were read by the monitor as being pretty intense, but (as you can see in the picture) they weren't very painful or productive.

After 20 plus hours of those contractions, they started me on pitocin.
By now it was 11:30 at night and I was exhausted from sleeping so little the night before.

I fell asleep for a few hours and woke up at 1:00 a.m. with PAINFUL contractions.
I was determined to have the baby without an epidural so Brad and my mom were both there to help me through the pain.

They were both amazing!! Massaging me and talking me through each contraction.
I wouldn't have been able to do it without them.
Being so exhausted, I often fell asleep between the contractions (even having dreams).I had hard labor for nearly 5 hours when my water broke.
Soon after that I felt an intense need to push, but my doctor wasn't at the hospital yet so my nurse wouldn't let me.

This went on for a half-hour. As difficult as labor was, fighting my body's instinct to push for that half-hour was by far more painful and mentally draining.

Finally, the doctor came. Being in such a rush to get to the hospital, he got pulled over on the way.

But, it was all worth it!!!

And I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

After 7 years of marriage, 8 miscarriages, deep and intense heartache,
we were blessed with a miracle that would impact me more than I have ever imagined.

On Tuesday morning, April 28, 2009 at 6:47 a.m.,
We were blessed with an Angel from Heaven.
A perfect little being.
I am so overwhelmed!!!!

My deep, wrenching pain and heartache has been transformed.
I am now weeping tears of joy.My joy is so great and my heart is so full!!

The love I feel is so profound.

I never knew these kinds of feelings existed.She is a gift...sent directly from Heaven.She is our MIRACLE.

This miracle has transformed our family.
An amazing, long awaited, change is taking place in our home.
Our hearts are being softened and healed.

She brings out a gentleness and softness in the kids that I have never seen and I'm sure that they have never felt.
Their broken little hearts seem to be healing with just the mere presence of our little angel.

Their desire to create chaos, because chaos is all they've ever known, has lessened dramatically!

Brad and I have even felt a massive change taking place in our own hearts.
We are slower to anger and quicker to love.
Our voices are calmer.
The turmoil and stress we have been feeling lately (from our seeming failed efforts to help and teach our children) is GONE.

Finally, I can see peace in their eyes...love in their faces and actions...true and deeply felt joy...healing and gentleness...

All wrapped up in one tiny little package...
a package of pure heaven...
a tiny bundle of love...
is the answer to SO MANY tearful prayers sent up to heaven.

She is our miracle in more ways than can be counted!!

So,
Heaven,
if you're listening,

and I know you are

Thank you!!!
For sending one of your finest angels to grace the walls of our home and hearts.
She is healing our pain like only an angel can.

She is a miracle

A miracle we call Makenzie Ann Porter.

We're still here...

2009-04-14T15:50:00.004-06:00

I've been pretty bad at updating the blog lately.
Here are a few things we've done this past month...

Our ward held a Box Car Derby for all the primary kids. I guess they do it annually. The kids all made their own box cars (with Brad's help), then decorated them. They really had a lot of fun racing their cars around the gym, then sitting in them at the 'drive in' while watching a movie and eating popcorn and cotton candy.

Kiana got an award at school!
The school has a program they do called 'Character Counts'. Obviously, it's to teach the kids to have good character. At a school wide assembly they recognized one student from each class for having good character and Kiana was chosen to receive the award for her second grade class!
Kiana is on the far left.

Her teacher wrote a sweet tribute to her that was read as she got her award...

"Before January, we thought we had a great class and then Kiana came. She always comes to class with a smile on her face and can have us all laughing at anytime. Kiana has shown us how to face adversity. Against all odds she has learned to kick a football. Everyday little miracles happen because of Kiana."

Also, we have been preparing for the arrival of the newest member of our family!
This is me at almost 38weeks!
I've started contracting and dialating (a little), so hopefully she makes her enterance into this world soon! We are all so anxious to hold and to love her.

Trials

2009-03-18T20:20:00.003-06:00

In fear of sounding preachy, I have been debating with myself on whether or not I wanted to post this. After hearing about some difficult things some of my friends are going through, however, I have decided to go ahead and take the risk. It is my hope that someone reading this will be able to find comfort and purpose in their trials.

I wrote this after being asked to speak in church a couple weeks ago.

Trials

- Our Greatest Blessings -

Before I start my talk, I want to introduce myself, my husband and our family. My name is Heather Porter, my husband is Brad. Today is our anniversary and we are celebrating 7 years of marriage. We have four kids. Our family just moved here about 2 months ago from Mesa, Arizona. Brad and I have had the kids for a little over a year and a half now and about 3 months ago we legally adopted them. After their adoption, we had the amazing opportunity of taking them to the Mesa, Arizona temple to be sealed. That experience was both incredibly emotional for me and amazingly spiritual. I don't know if I've ever seen anything more beautiful in my life than seeing all six of us dressed in white, surrounding the alter, hand in hand, looking into each others eyes as we became sealed together as a family for time and all eternity. The veil was thin and we were reassured by the spirit that what we were doing was right for our family. Also, we are expecting, and very excited about it! In about 7 or 8 weeks we get to welcome another little girl into our family.

Today I'll be talking about trials and the part they play in our lives. Growing up there was a quote that hung in our home that said, “I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.” As I've gone through the ups and downs of life, I've been reminded of that quote often. The trying times of life definitely are not easy but during the up times of our lives we can see that it IS worth it.

I've heard people talk about 'overcoming' trials. During the more difficult times of my life, I'd have to agree with that idea. I would like to hurry them up, to pass through them quickly, and in a sense 'overcome' them. However, I don't know if our goal should be to overcome them, trying to make them go away or wishing them away. I think instead that perhaps we should embrace our trials; trying to find the purposes they are supposed to serve in our lives.

The Savior said, “...I give unto men weakness that they may be humble... for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Ether 12:27

When we are tested and called to experience difficult times, we are being given the opportunity for growth. If we view the trial as a gift or an opportunity to become greater our blessings will be great. There are examples of this all around us.

The other morning I was laying in bed looking out my bedroom window at the pine trees swaying in the wind. Some of them were moving several feet back and forth as the wind blew them. I wondered what kind of stress that that kind of intense wind was putting on the trees. Then, I remembered reading about trees that are raised in the protected environment of a greenhouse. They are sheltered from the storms and protected from the harm that the fierce elements can cause. A greenhouse, it would seem, is the ideal place to grow a tree. However, if you take down the protective walls of the greenhouse, allowing the beautiful trees inside to be exposed to those elements, they quickly snap under the pressure. Branches will be ripped off from the slightest breeze and surly such sheltered trees could never endure a difficult storm.

As trees out in nature are exposed to wind, rain, snow, and hail they are put under stress. In response to that stress, they grow more dense making the tree stronger and stronger after each successive storm. The result is a magnificent tree that is able to stand strong amidst the turmoil. Wishing the wind away would only weaken the tree, but by facing the wind the tree becomes greater, stronger.

I'm going to talk about a few of the trials I've been called to face. In talking about them, I don't mean to try to compare myself with someone else and their trials. I just want to express the blessings that have come into my life as a direct result of the trials I've been given.

After about a year of marriage, Brad and I became anxious to bring children into our family. Initially, we had a difficult time conceiving and sought out medical help. It worked! One month later, we found out we were expecting. We were so excited. Sadly though, the pregnancy didn't last and we lost the baby. I was devastated and blamed myself. I kept praying for a miracle, I hoped and wished it wasn't true. But it was. After that, we never had a problem conceiving. About a year later we found out we were expecting again. But a while later, once again our excitement and hopes of expanding our family were beginning to unravel. As I laid in bed in an effort to hold onto the baby, I poured my heart out to the Lord. In response to my cries, He comforted me in a way I've never felt before. The peace I felt was nearly tangible and I knew that He stood by my bedside sharing my pain. It was hard for me to accept having lost another baby but I was anxious to try again. Several months later, I again became pregnant. This time, for some reason, felt different to me. I felt as if I had a relationship with the spirit that I carried. I knew it was a boy and I felt his presence with me often. I was sure he would come into our family and was so excited for his arrival. Perhaps this is why I was so confused when he too didn't survive. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to think of the whole situation. After a D and C, what I had felt and already knew was confirmed, that I was indeed carrying a boy. I especially felt a deep sense of loss after losing him.

Shortly after this loss, I remember going to a family gathering and feeling hurt hearing my sister who was pregnant with her third complain about how terrible it was to be pregnant. To me it seemed she was going on and on about the ails she was experiencing. I was consumed with my sorrow and would have gladly taken her place in a heartbeat. I asked Brad if we could leave early and sobbed the whole way home and long into the night. I wondered why I was being put through this. I wanted children so badly. My heart was aching with intense pain.

As I turned to the Savior for comfort and peace, I was able to come to terms once again with our loss and was given a wonderful gift. I learned to rely on my Lord for solace. I lost 5 more babies after losing that little boy, but with each successive heartache I was granted an even greater relationship with my Savior. He stood by me the whole time. I learned to turn to him for comfort. I learned that He is always there for me with open arms waiting for me to run to Him. I learned that trials are not a curse but a blessing. An opportunity for growth. I learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. I learned that I am never alone. I learned that no matter what comes my way, no matter how hard it may seem, He will share my burden with me. I learned that He will show me what I need to do and learn to be bigger and stronger than the trial I face.

If I could go back in time and take away all of those trials and heartaches, I would not do it. I am who I am today because of them. I view them as sacred gifts given to me from a very loving Heavenly Father. I feel privileged and honored that He not only thought I was capable of experiencing them but that He thought enough of me to teach me the beautiful truths I was taught as I lived through them.

Now, as I face the incredible challenge of raising and nurturing 4 battered children, I am even more grateful for the trials of my past, how they have shaped me and for what I have learned. It doesn't mean this new road I'm on has been easy. I have had the wonderful privilege and tremendous challenge of taking in and nurturing 4 beautiful children. Children who have been through more trauma, neglect, abuse and heartache already in their short lives than I have ever experienced or probably ever will. I've cried myself to sleep more nights than I can count wondering how I can possible help them through their deep and intense pain. I've become frustrated with some of their behaviors that to my-inexperienced-unlearned-self seem, at time, barbaric and out-of-control. I have felt my stomach turn with anger as I realize that there is no way a 4-year-old would know how to do what I just saw... unless. I've cried with them, our arms wrapped around each other wishing I could take away the pain they feel. I've wondered how someone as simple as I am could possibly be wise enough to help them through all of their heartache.

It is during these difficult times that I am reminded of the wonderful lessons I've learned from before. I know where to turn for help, I know that the road is hard, and I am probably not strong enough to walk it alone. But I know that I am not called to walk it alone. I know that help is only a prayer away. I know that even if I don't have all the answers I can still feel the peace my Savior freely gives. Best of all, I know that when there are pieces of my broken heart as well as pieces of their broken hearts that seem impossible for me to fix, He can.

I know that Heavenly Father tests those He loves, because it is in that testing that we are made stronger, greater, better people. He can and will turn our weaknesses into strengths if we just turn to Him. He is waiting with open arms ready to show His unconditional love for each of us. He can be the healer of our wounded souls. All we have to do is choose to turn to Him. His arms are open, waiting for us to come.

Pregnancy Update - 32 weeks

2009-03-05T17:34:00.004-07:00

I thought that since I only have 8 weeks left 'til my due date that I ought to take some pictures of my growing belly.
She is definitely getting bigger and longer!
I'm reminded of that all the time by her kicks.
I think my ribs are bruised from all her kicking.
And I LOVE it.
It is so fun to be able to sit and watch my stomach bounce as she moves around.

She's giving me better posture too!
Every time I slouch, she kicks my ribs forcing me to sit back up.

Kishawn Turns 6!

2009-02-26T09:20:00.002-07:00

We got to celebrate Kishawn's 6th birthday!

He is growing up so fast I can't believe it!

Following my birthday tradition, I want to list 6 things I love about Kishawn in honor of his 6th birthday.

1 - He is such a cute brother to his sisters.
Especially with Kiana. Kiana loves to wrestle with him and she often asks him to go down to the basement with her to do so. He is a STRONG boy, but is always so careful with her. After charging at her from across the room, he puts his arms around her and gently lays her down on the ground to pin her down. Kiana thinks it's hilarious!
(I love this picture of him and Kiana. They have such a sweet relationship)

2 - He is a Daredevil.
We got him his first bike when he was four. It took him all of 5 minutes to learn to ride it and a week later he was jumping off ramps sometimes getting a foot or 2 of air.
His recent stunt is to jump and clear 5 steps on our backyard walkway. He lands it every time.

3 - He loves to make things and is very inventive.
Our ward primary had an activity called the 'Box Car Derby'. They told the kids to go home and have their parents help them make a car out of a box.
Kishawn came home and made a really cool airplane completely on his own. Then when the dog chewed it up, he made a car (also by himself).

4 - He loves to give hugs!
Bedtime absolutely cannot happen before he has hugged every member of the family including the dogs.

5 - He is a 'self-entertainer'.
Boredom is never a part of his life, he will always find a way to entertain himself. It makes my life easier.
6 - I get to call him my SON.
I LOVE this boy so much. He is such a joy to have around and I am so glad that he is a part of our family!!

Things That Made Me Smile this week...

2009-02-04T16:46:00.006-07:00

Going downstairs to check on Jada and finding her sitting in a Rubbermaid storage container watching a movie...

Seeing our little dog curled up on a pillow because the big one stole her bed. It's quite funny to see... our full grown lab curled up in her tiny bed. I've tried to get a picture of it but he's so hard to sneak up on.

Going to a horse show and watching this amazing man be an awesome father to our kids...

Seeing the dogs play together. Thor, the lab, could throw Snowy, the Boston Terrier, across the room if he wanted to, but he's so gentle with her and usually lets her win their 'wars'...

Watching the kids attempt to snowboard down the slope in our back yard. Jada was especially cute!

More Birthday Fun

2009-01-27T21:23:00.006-07:00

Today we celebrated Jazmine's 7th birthday!

In honor of her 7th birthday, I want to list 7 things we love about Jazmine...

1 - She's gorgeous!! People tell her and me all the time how pretty she is. After the first day of school here, she came home and told me that everyone told her she looks like a princess.

2 - I love how excited she gets when she's opening a present. Not only is she excited for what she's getting, she is very enthusiastic about saying thank you. It's very cute and endearing.

3 - She is a MAJOR daddy's girl!! I think most kids go to their mom for bed time cuddles and to be tucked in, but not so with her. Brad is definitely her top choice.

4 - She can be very helpful. Especially with her siblings.

5 - She can make friends anywhere anytime. Other kids seem to be attracted to her. Anytime I take her anywhere, if there's another kid there, she'll know their name and be playing with them even before 5 minutes pass.

6 - She has a very active imagination! She can come up with elaborate imagined stories. She often does this while she's in time-out. Not sure she's learning the lesson she was sent to time-out for, but hey at least she'll never be bored, right?

7 - I get to call her my daughter! I feel so blessed that we were able to adopt her. She has and still is teaching me so much. I am learning so many things through her that I don't think I ever could have learned otherwise. She's been through a lot of heartache and pain in her life and struggles to show her anguish in ways adult would deem appropriate. Although it can be difficult to understand some of her actions and what she is trying to communicate, I am grateful for the opportunity I have to help her heal. I feel I have already learned so much in the process and hope and pray that I continue to learn more so I can help this sweet girl realize her amazing potential and grow up to be the stalwart daughter of God that she is.

Happy Birthday Jazz!!

We love you!

Happy Birthday Rae Rae!!

2009-01-26T14:12:00.006-07:00

It's my sister's birthday!

(Meet Rachel)

We LOVE Rae Rae sooo much!
She is the meat of our family sandwich,
sitting perfectly in the the middle of all of us siblings.
There are 4 older than her and 4 younger than her.

Today is her birthday,
and for her birthday we are introducing her to
this handsome young fellow
(SnowDog the SnowMan) - per Brad

We found him in our back yard this morning.
He told us he came per Rae Rae's request of a snowman.
He wants to wish her a happy birthday,
and I think he even said he'd like to go out on a date with her.

There is one big concern weighing on his mind though.
You see Rae Rae is extremely HOT!!
And Mr. Snowman just might be put in perilous danger around such dramatic heat.
However, after hearing about her total awesomeness and after being shown a picture of her amazingness,
he is more than willing to take the risk.

So Rae Rae,
your presence is requested at the
Porter residence
ASAP!!

Seriously, we're not kidding.
You BETTER come!

Baby Update - 26 weeks

2009-01-24T08:34:00.005-07:00

I've had a few requests for pictures of my baby bump.

This is me at 26 weeks - next week I'll be at 6 months!
I can't believe I only have 3 months left, it seems to be going so fast.
After the first trimester passed, my doctor in Arizona didn't seem to be all that concerned with the baby's safety. He treated me like a regular patient other than having to take the extra supplements to offset the gene I carry that causes my blood to clot, which in turn causes the blood supply to the baby to stop.

The doctors here though, kind of freaked out when they saw my history.
It kind of took me by surprise when they told me they wanted me to see a perinatologist (doctor for high risks pregnancies), have frequent doctor visits, and use all the high tech medical machinery.
After thinking about it, I guess I can see their concern.
9 pregnancies and no live births does look kind of bad, doesn't it.

I feel pretty confident that 9th time is the charm for me though.
I strongly feel that I was supposed to adopt the 4 I have before this one was supposed to to come to our family.

Now I've had tons more lab/blood work done,
and a really cool ultra-sound.
They checked for EVERYTHING!

cleft lip
Spina Bifida and other neural tube defects
Down Syndrome
heart function
blood flow to and from the heart
stomach and bladder function
amniotic fluid
diaphragm and breathing
brain growth
growth of all her limbs
placenta and chord placement
veins and arteries in the umbilical cord
they even checked her toes and how many joints her fingers had!

I'm happy to say that EVERYTHING checked out perfectly!

Oh, and she is for sure a girl.

She weighed in at one ounce under 2 pounds.
Here's our little miracle's profile.

Kiana turns 9!

2009-01-19T20:08:00.004-07:00

Kiana, my oldest, turned 9 today!! It feels so crazy for me to have a 9 year old! 2 years ago I was getting worried about getting too old before I had kids and now here I am at 27 years old with a 9 year old.

For her birthday, I made her a carrot cake (a little selfish - my favorite) with cream cheese frosting. Then, my mom came over and helped write her name on the cake.

She probably got the loudest, most wild rendition of "Happy Birthday" ever from her siblings. They were quite excited about celebrating this day with her.I sure do LOVE this girl!

In honor of Kiana turning 9, I wanted to write 9 things I LOVE about her.

1 - She has a big gorgeous grin that she sports about 95% of the time.

2 - She loves to please people and WANTS to do what is right.

3 - After people meet her and get to know her (especially teachers and therapists) they fall in love with her and try to attribute how well she is doing to her living in our home. If only that were true. I think people with such celestial spirits as her just come that way.

4 - She's a fighter with a determined spirit!
She doesn't let her physical disabilities get in her way. Although some things are more difficult for her to do, she takes so much pride in learning how to things for herself. Because the right side of her body has partial paralysis she often falls while she's walking or attempting to run. Nine out of 10 times after a fall, her reaction is her normal grin and a giggle, then she gets right back up and keeps on walking.

5 - She is a people person and people are attracted to her.
Her Cerebral Palsy effects her ability to produce speech but in no way does she let that slow her down in her efforts to communicate. When someone is around who knows sign language she excitedly tells them story after story. And if the person she's communicating with doesn't know sign, she amazes me with her ability to express herself. She is so creative and quick she can almost always get her point across.

6 - She is accepting of her lot in life.
There have been times she has felt overwhelmed with with how difficult everyday tasks can be for her. Things such as getting dresses, showering, enduring hours and hours of therapy, manipulating things with one hand instead of two, getting hurt after a bad fall and the frustration that comes with her limitations with communication. She has cried on my shoulder several times telling me that she just wants to be able to talk, or use her right hand, or have 2 strong legs. She asks me why she is the way she is.
I tell her that Heavenly Father made her. I tell her she IS the perfect Kiana because Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes. He has a purpose for her being like she is. People are inspired by her and by all she can accomplish. I tell her that her spirit is SO pure. That she has a gift and ability to see into and love people like no one else I know. I tell her how blessed I am to have such a wonderful person as her in my home to remind me how to be happy no matter what we are called to endure.
She gives herself just a short time to mourn, to let herself get frustrated and then, she's over it. She is genuinly a happy person inside and out and doesn't let the hardships of the Earth overpower who her spirit is.
SHE INSPIRES ME!

7 - She is HAPPY!
She has endured more in her short 9 years on Earth than most people ever will - neglect and abuse, multiple moves in foster care, not knowing what was going on, where she was or what to expect, not being able to express herself in the midst of all this turmoil and confusion (it's been just in the last 2 years that she's learned sign language), and all of her physical challenges on top of all that. Still she is one of the happiest people anyone will ever meet.
Did I mention that she inspires me?!

8 - Not only does she want to do the right thing and make good choices, she wants other people to as well. She is the ultimate example for her younger siblings, always trying to lead them in the right direction and prevent them from breaking the rules.

9 - She is MY daughter!
I LOVE that I get to call her my daughter. I hardly feel worthy of raising such a pure, sweet, heavenly spirit. I think she will teach me FAR more than I'll ever be able to teach her.

Happy Birthday, Kiana.

South Dakota Living

2009-01-14T15:20:00.008-07:00

We made it!

After nearly 3 days of driving,
we got to our new house
(to see more pictures of the house click HERE)
I was surprised at how quickly we were able to get everything unpacked and put away.
I'm even more amazed at the vasts amounts of space I have. Our last house felt overcrowded and packed full, this one still looks like no one lives here even with all our stuff in it.

I had a friend come over the other day. She commented, "Oh, so you JUST moved in huh? There's nothing in here!"
Ha ha. Only everything we own.

A few days after we got here we woke up to snow. The kids were more than thrilled. This was their very first experience with snow ever.
So they and Brad headed out to the back yard and entertained themselves for hours.

Jazmine was flying!

After she figured out how to sit on the sled, Kiana had a lot of fun too.
A few mornings later we woke up to about 7 or 8 deer wandering around our house.
I'm still so amazed that I look out my windows to see pine trees, snow and deer!
Coming from Mesa, Arizona, I feel like I'm staying in a cabin.
It's beautiful and I love it!

Although we didn't have a ton to unpack and put away, it did keep me very busy for several days and short cat naps (or dog naps in my case) offered nice breaks in the day.

Our Temple Sealing

2008-12-28T13:55:00.007-07:00

The day finally came!!
On December 19, 2008,
Brad and I were able to take these 4 beautiful children to the Mesa Temple to be sealed as a family for eternity!
I can't even describe the feelings that came over me that afternoon. As we were walking through the grounds towards the temple, I had an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. I felt a strong assuring spirit that we were doing what we were supposed to be doing.
The spirit I felt came over me so strongly, I was brought to tears and found it difficult to breathe.
Once inside the Temple, trying to keep my composure while we finished all the paper work seemed nearly impossible. There have been several times in my life that I have felt the spirit of the Lord, but none of them even came close the the overwhelming and breathtaking, nearly tangible spirit I felt at that time.

Brad and I went our separate ways to change into our white clothing, while the kids went with some of the temple workers and my mom to change into theirs. The sealer escorted both me and Brad into the sealing room before the kids were brought in. He talked to us for a little while about the sealing ordinance. Then, the kids were brought in.
It was nothing short of a celestial experience for me. To me they seemed to be glowing, all dressed in white, white bows in their hair and so peaceful. I struggled to catch my breath as I took it all in.
The veil of my remembrance was opened for me in that room.

I remembered them as I knew them before we came to this Earth.

I remembered the promise we made to each other to find each other and to become a forever family.

I remembered how much I loved them before we came here to mortality.

I remembered that our spirits were the best of friends and longed to be back with each other.

I saw them as the children of God that they are,
I saw them as our Heavenly Father sees them,
I felt His love for them
and my spirit rejoiced.

As we all knelt around the altar, hand in hand, I gazed into each of their eyes.
Each of their little, angelic faces smiled back at me and I felt their spirits tell me that they remembered our promise too.

WE ARE A FOREVER FAMILY!

Jada in the Hospital

2008-12-22T13:52:00.003-07:00

Last Tuesday, around 3:30 in the morning, my sweet Jada woke-up crying. After Brad got her out of bed, we felt her raging temperature and noticed she was having a lot of difficulty breathing. She has a history of asthma related symptoms that can get bad really fast, so instead of trying to wait it out, I took her to the ER.

My hopes of having a short stay were shot down. In the ER she received steroid injections and several breathing treatments, but her body didn't respond very well to them and her oxygen levels stayed dangerously low, so she was admitted.
My typically lively Jada was so somber and lethargic. She continued to have to work laboriously for breath and to no avail. The alarm on the monitor she wore to read her oxygen levels continued to go off night and day, making our hospital room one with a revolving door as nurses, respiratory specialists, and doctors came in to help her.

She was able to muster a little energy for her visitors during the day, but it quickly drained her.Our second night there she was getting worse and her rising temperature wasn't responding to the Motrin she was given. So the doctors got more aggressive with their treatments. She had another chest ex-ray taken that showed she had pneumonia. I was relieved to finally find the reason for her being so ill. Now we had something to treat.

After about 2 full days, she started to feel better. So we ventured out of the room to see what the pediatric unit had to offer us. We found a play-room, she found a wagon and fell in love. She still didn't feel well enough to do anything, but she loved being pulled around in the wagon. So round and round the peds unit we went for a LONG time.

The nurses and NAs were so good to us. They gave Jada tons of things including a blanket and pillow, 7 beanie babies, dolls, coloring books, bubbles, play-dough...

On Friday, when she was released, she ended up with all this! Early Christmas to say the least.
We were both glad to be home. And it was just in time, we got home on Friday afternoon just hours before be were scheduled to be at the Temple for our SEALING!

I have to say though, that I LOVED being able to spend so much uninterrupted time with her. I think I held her probably 90% of the time we were in the hospital. Even at night, we cuddled up together in her bed and tried to sleep (sleep in the hospital is very relative, not much of it happens there, we were woken up at least every hour and a half). I am so grateful for the time we were given with each other. I feel an even stronger bond with her now.

Kiana's Baptism

2008-12-21T12:29:00.004-07:00

Kiana turned 8 last January, but she had to wait for her adoption to be final before she could get baptized. It was a LONG wait for her. Between January and now, she told me at least once a week that she wanted to be baptized.

The day finally came and
she was able to be baptized by her daddy.

She had a lot of family and friends come to support her.
It was really a special day for her.

Her teacher from school even came!
Heather Laine has been such a great influence on Kiana this past year and a half that Kiana has been in her classroom. Heather has a great love for her students that her students can feel and flourish from. It's no wonder that Kiana has blossomed so much since being with her. Not only has she taught her academics (which she has, and she's worked miracles), she's taught her life skills, and most importantly communication skills. I attribute most of Kiana's sign language fluency to Heather.
(The other little girl in the picture is Cassidy, one of Kiana's best friends from her class at school.) The missionary on the left of the above picture is one of the 3 Deaf/ASL (American Sign Language) missionaries currently serving in the the Valley. We were at the temple the week of her baptism and ran into them. Kiana was SOOO excited to see missionaries who sign and she talked with them for almost an hour. They were so cute with her, watching every story she told and responding enthusiastically. They willingingly went with her as she pulled them around the temple grounds to see the nativity and other displays they have. Kiana asked them to come to her baptism and they DID!! She was so excited to have them there.

I thought this picture of Rachel, Jada and Oaklie was so cute I HAD to include it.

Moving to Cold Country

2008-12-11T14:00:00.004-07:00

We're doing it...

We're moving and doing it big time.
Brad and I have been feeling a need to move for a couple of reasons including -

A bigger house that will accommodate us better and allow everyone to have some personal space.

To give the kids a new start away from all the painful memories of their pasts.

They grew up in this area in various apartments, motels, foster homes, etc. and are constantly reminded of traumatic times even while driving through town. It has been heartbreaking for us to see the pain they are feeling each time they are reminded. Pain that is manifested, most the time, in erratic behavior. My guess is that it is the same behavior they developed while living in those situations to block out the pain, confusion and fear they felt.

Our hope is that by moving them to a new environment, they'll be able to work through the confusing emotions, without having to relive them over and over, and move on.

We've looked at and considered several different places but ultimately decided on South Dakota of all places. I know, it's seems like a random place to choose especially considering we're making the move just after Christmas in the dead middle of winter.
COLD!!

So, What was it that allured us there?

Three things specifically.
1 - my mommy
2 - my 13 year old brother Justin
3 - my 11 year old sister Lauren

They've lived there for about 4 years and have fallen in love with the area.

I've been up there several time to visit since they've moved and I'd have to agree it is beautiful!

Brad and I went up there in the beginning of November and found and bought a house that I'm quite excited about.
Not only it is over twice as big as the house we're in,
it has a BASEMENT!

I've dreamed of having a space for the kids to play, run and make their messes since we've gotten them. Messes that I won't have to look at if I don't want to.
Here it is!!
It has five bedrooms,

3 baths,
some of which desperately need to be renovated or at least painted!
(The previous owners had eccentric paint choices in the kids areas)and 3 living areas including the basement,
and probably most important for our Arizona family, a fireplace.

Oh ya, it has a kitchen too...
and 2 unfinished rooms with potential to become whatever we want to make them

We're also about a 1/2 hour drive from here.

And best of all, we're only a 10 minute drive away from these great people.

Like Mother Hopefully Like Daughter...

2008-12-06T20:50:00.002-07:00

I had a cool singing opportunity a while back. I love music and singing and sing in a few choirs. One of the choirs I'm in has so much talent among the members and the director. There are several accomplished musicians, choral directors for various schools, and song writers. I LOVE singing in a good choir, especially with other people who can sight-read well.

A lady who used to sing in the choir, Joan Sowards, has written a ton of music. She has especially written a lot for the Young Women organization of the church. She is very talented. I felt honored when she asked me if I'd record some of her songs.

I recorded a song that had 3 part harmony and got to sing all 3 parts. I've recorded before but haven't ever done this singing with myself thing before. It was a lot of fun and cool to hear one voice singing all the parts.

After listening to it, I was surprised at how much the alto part sounded like my mom's voice. Any of you who have had the privilege of hearing my mom sing know that she has a beautiful, low, alto voice that sends chills through your body and makes you want to lay back and listen forever. Even as a teenager, I'd ask her to come in my room and sing me to sleep. To me, hearing her sing, is what I imagine the angelic music in heaven sounding like and has the same effect on my spirit.

I've been asked to sing several times lately for various events including a few sacrament meetings, a funeral, enrichment nights, baptisms and for the 50th birthday celebration concert of an accomplished composer for the church.

I feel like my voice has matured a lot lately these past few years and have been so surprised and extremely flattered when after I sing, people compare my voice to my MOM'S! Earlier this week, after singing at a funeral of a sweet lady in my ward, several people came up to ask me my name. One couple, after finding out I was a Turley said to each other, "See? Doesn't she sound like Karol?" Then to me, "Are you related to her?"

Um... ya she's my mom.

I've heard similar comments from about 5 other people who attended that funeral.

WHAT? They think I sound like her? I couldn't think of any better compliment in the world!!

I don't know if it'll last, but even if it is a short-lived phase, I'm taking these flattering compliments with a grateful heart hoping to one day be able to obtain the celestial beauty of my mom's voice.

To hear yours truly x3 click HERE
(listen for the sound of my mom's voice in the alto part)

A lot of people have told me they only hear the piano on the recording.
It'll play the vocals if you use Mozilla Firefox for the internet browser to pull it up, but if you're using Internet Explorer it only plays the piano.
Not sure why.

IT'S A ...

2008-12-02T14:10:00.007-07:00

GIRL!!!

Brad and I went to see the doctor today and were ecstatic to see a
LIVELY,
HEALTHY,
BREATHING
MIRACLE!!!

Words cannot express the gratitude I feel for her.
I am continually amazed at seeing the Lord's hand in everything.
We were blessed to be able to finalize the adoption of our 4 beautiful children 2 weeks ago and now
THIS!!

WOW!

Isn't she cute?!

One of My Favorite People

2008-12-01T15:44:00.001-07:00

I am so fortunate to have my wonderful, amazing, supportive, encouraging, loving, witty (I could go on forever) Grandma living with us!! She's been with us since her stroke in November 2005. I was SO glad that Brad and I not only had a house that could accommodate her, but also the time and ability. We had just moved into a home in south Gilbert (Seville) about 6 months earlier that could accommodate her wheel chair and had a fantastic bathroom and shower for her. She is what keeps me going sometimes when life proves hard for me. She is constantly doing things for us.

Such as...
Helps the kids with their homework,

Goes to the store at least twice a week to make sure she has cookies for them,
Reads to them,
Takes Jada and her baby (Abby) on walks up and down the street,
Volunteers to watch them as they play outside so I can get things done inside,

Has played baby-sitter more times than I can count,

Walks Kiana down the street to meet the bus (sometimes just far enough behind her to not let her know she's there 'cause Kiana is in a very independent stage),

Shares her TV with them, often watching a cartoon she has no interest in for their sake,

Orders pizza and chicken dinners for us,

Keeps an endless supply of paper, crayons, markers, scissors and pencils for the kids artistic endeavors,

Buys bones and food for our dog, Thor, and feeds him most the time,

Often does my laundry!!!,

Helps the kids with their jobs, when they get overwhelmed, by talking them through each step to do,

Comforts us,

Understands first hand Kiana's physical limitations (her and Kiana's conditions are very similar, one side paralysis, only G-G's is the left side, and Kiana's is the right.) She encourages her, helps her and shows her how to do things. She is the PERFECT role model and positive example for Kiana.

She is attentive to everyone,

Worries about them with me,

Brainstorms ideas to help them,

Laughs with us,

Cries with us,

Is WITH us!

She has been with us for 3 years now. She's been through miscarriages with us, a home renovation and move, the process of getting licensed to get the kids, getting the kids, the roller coaster of emotions we've felt since then and has been a pillar of strength the entire time.

I love this woman so much!!!
She is one of my very best friends!

The kids all adore her too. They call her G-G, short for Great-Grandma. Jada especially has a special place in her heart for G-G, and G-G for her.
Any time during the day that I can't find Jada, all I need to do is look in G-G's room.
Jada is most likely snuggled up on her lap or talking her into getting up to get her a 'cwacker'.
She spends hours each day with her. One of Jada's favorite pass times is going on daily 'walks' up and down our street with G-G.
When we finalized their adoption, we named Jada after G-G giving her the name of Jada Ruth. Grandma's name is Virginia Ruth Skouson.

She is such a wonderful person and has taught me so much about perseverance, being joyful no matter what you are called to endure, and having unconditional love for people. I am so grateful for her presence in my life. Especially these past 3 years.

Thank you Grandma for being YOU!!
You have blessed me and our family more than you will ever know!!
I love you with all my heart!

Christmas Time - My Favorite Time of Year

2008-12-01T11:42:00.010-07:00

The Christmas season is hands down my most favorite time of the year. I love the focus of the season, celebrating the birth of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I enjoy watching people as a whole reach out towards each other, think about others and give of themselves. I find so much joy in thinking about the people I love and deciding on what to give them.

As a kid, my family of 11 had a tradition of buying/making and giving gifts to each and every member of our family. My parents suggested, more than once, drawing names to lessen the amount of spending we would have as kids, but we would have nothing of it. My favorite part of the season was thinking about each person to pick out and give them a gift meant specifically for them. We all felt the same way about Christmas. It was such a magical time for my family.
I and my siblings would work for months, saving our money to ensure that we would be able to give each person what we wanted to. Christmas morning was SOOO magical for all of us. Dad sat next to the tree and passed out each gift, one at a time, reading who it was to and who it was from. We all sat in anticipation and to watch each gift be opened. Tears of joy and gratitude were often shed by both receiver and giver. The opening of each gift was ALWAYS followed by a hug between the giver and the receiver. This wasn't anything ever taught or prompted, but just done out of the sheer love we felt for each other. Love that was accentuated by the giving and receiving of these thoughtful gifts. Because of our desire to savor the magical moment of each gift, our time spent unwrapping presents often took several hours.

One of my most cherished Christmas memories is when I was probably around 9 years old. My then, 8 year old brother Brian had worked for several weeks for my Dad's business to earn my gift. He was so excited about it, he talked about wanting me to open my present for weeks leading up to Christmas. On Christmas morning, I was shocked to see a remote control car we had admired together. This was not just an ordinary remote control car, but one with a price tag of $120!! I still get tears in my eyes to this day at the thought of how much love, work and excitement went into this gift for me! All the memories I have of past Christmases are sprinkled with sweet, tender memories like this one.

Dad instilled in me a love for Christmas music. I think every time he was home in the month of December, Christmas music rang throughout the house. I remember us all singing to it as we got out the several boxes of decorations and helped to adorn our house inside and out. Mom stayed inside with most of us as we spread out the tree skirt, hung the ornaments, put of the nativity and the Christmas calendar and set out the statue of Santa kneeling, hat off, over the baby Jesus. Meanwhile, Dad and Brian went outside to hang the lights on the house.

I just hope that I can create the same kind of magical memories for my kids as my parents did for me.

My favorite way to spend the Friday after Thanksgiving is not out among the crowds at the malls, but at home with my family. My sweet hubby pulled out all of our Christmas decorations from the shed and we spent the morning putting them up. Brad and Kishawn then went outside to hang the lights on the house.

That night, we went to the temple to enjoy the lights there.

Saying that Kishawn loves his daddy would be a huge understatement.
He adores him.

I can understand why,
because I do too!!
Of course Jada brought along Abby.
We saw my Uncle Jerry while we were there and after he gave us all hugs,
Jada informed him that he forgot to give Abby a hug.G-G even came with us!! We had so much fun.

Kishawn's Self-Hair-Cutting-Days Gone?

2008-11-21T11:01:00.004-07:00

Kishawn has had an obsession with shaving his head for several months. About half the time he takes a shower, he goes into Brad's and my bathroom and takes the electric razor to his head. We are constantly finding bald stripes on him. Our repeated warnings to stop didn't slow him down at all.

Then the other night he walked proudly out of the bathroom after his shower looking like this

He's got the 'I'm-mad-glare' down pat!

Every other time he's done it, we've saved him from embarrassment by shaving the rest of it for him. How many times should I save him though? He hadn't obeyed our requests to stay away from the razor, so I thought maybe the natural consequences would work better?

The next day I let him go to school looking just like this...
All day, I wondered how his day was going and hoped he didn't get teased too much.
As I picked him and Jazz up, I could see that he looked forlorn. When he wouldn't answer me when I asked him what the matter was, Jazmine jumped in and said that she heard a boy tell him that his hair looked stupid.

I regretted my decision to let him go like that as he shed a few tears on the way home, but he seemed to quickly get over it after I shaved his whole head for him.

I asked him if he was going to shave his head again.
"No!"
"Why not?" I asked
"'Cause I don't wanna look like a weirdo!"

Ha Ha. He's such a cute kid!!

I will miss that 'Bozo the Clown' look though...

Adoption Day Celebration!!

2008-11-14T17:15:00.006-07:00

The adoption of Kiana, Jazmine, Kishawn and Jada will be final tomorrow!!!!
We will be celebrating after the adoption at the Fire Station Park on Lindsay and Adobe (Adobe is between University and Brown). The park is on Adobe just east of Lindsay.

We will be there from 3pm-5pm.

Everyone is invited to come celebrate with us!!!!

Family Pictures - I'm in LOVE!!

2008-11-10T14:53:00.003-07:00

We got our family pictures done a little while ago by Maria Nissen. I saw the pictures she took of my sister-in-law's Homecoming group and was in love with her style!! So, I was super excited to have her take our family's pictures. She's still editing them, but has posted some of them on her blog. She's is incredible!!! My kids didn't make it easy on her, but she still worked miracles in the pictures. I am in LOVE!

To see them click
HERE

A little more personal...

2008-11-10T11:27:00.008-07:00

My older sister, Laree, started a blog!! Her first entry got me thinking about the way I blog.

The truth is, I love my life! I feel I have been blessed with so much and am rich in so many ways. My road isn't one without trials and hardship though. There are times that I feel there isn't any way to stop my tears and end my heartache. There are times when I can't possibly see where the light at the end of this long tunnel is. There are times I feel hopelessness and unworthy or incapable of facing the task at hand.

I can look back on past trials and see that they were totally and completely for my benefit and growth in more ways than one. I have struggled with multiple miscarriages and the emotions that accompany them. Including a deep sense of loss and heartache, questioning my worthiness to be a mother, jealously at other mothers who were having babies they didn't even want, and more... But it was in those times of deep heartache that in turning to my Lord for comfort I have been given an amazing gift of His love and presence in my life. I know that there is never a time that I grow more and become closer to my Father in Heaven than during the midst of a trial.

I have had the wonderful privilege and tremendous challenge of taking in and nurturing 4 beautiful children. Children who have been through more trauma, neglect, abuse and heartache already in their short lives than I have ever experienced or probably ever will. I've cried myself to sleep more nights than I can count wondering how I can possibly help them through their deep and intense pain. I've become frustrated with some of their behaviors that to my-inexperienced-unlearned-self seem, at times, barbaric and out-of-control. I have felt my stomach turn with anger as I realize that there is no way a 4-year-old would know how to do what I just saw... unless.

I've seen them flinch and turn away in fear when I raise my hand to give them a high five. I've found food stashed away in closets, drawers, under beds and pillows.

I have walked up and down the streets of my neighborhood countless times praying to my and their Father in Heaven, pleading with Him to guide me, direct me, help me understand, give me that Christ-like love called Charity, and to help me become the kind of person I need to be for these 4 children of His that He has entrusted me with. I have wondered if and hoped that I am pleasing Him and living up to my responsibilities.

I have sobbed to Him while asking forgiveness for my lack of patience and wondered if my actions were scarring them worse. In the midst of my heartache, pain and regret I have felt overcome with an overwhelming sense of His love for me, and have been amazed at how quick and willing He is to take away my transgressions to let me start over and try again.

I've had tears of joy stream down my face as my sweet boy comes to me and asks me if I can hold him, "like a baby." I've felt gratitude and excitement from realizing that Heavenly Father can teach me how to help these kids, through the kids themselves.

I have felt that Christ-like love that I have prayed for so often as I have held crying children for hours trying to reassure them that I'm not going anywhere. That this time they are safe. This time, after living in more than 10 homes, no one is going to give up on them. That I'm here to stay, they are in our home to stay, through the good and the bad, and we can learn how to get through the pain together.

I have sat on my 6-year-old daughter's bed with her as she has fights within herself, wanting to let herself love but so afraid to be hurt again. I have tried to give her words for her feelings, but when words weren't enough we screamed at the top of our lungs together. Finally, she was feeling something! I hugged her harder than I've hugged anyone as she wrapped herself around me and convulsed with painful sobbing that had been pent up for years. I was amazed at her courage when she asked to scream together again not once but 3 more times. Each time she let herself feel more and remember more. We both sobbed through the whole process. I was clinging to her as she clung to me telling her over and over how proud I am of her and how brave she is.

I am reminded at how raw their feelings still are and how much pain they feel when I hug my 8 year old. She hugs harder and harder not wanting to let go. It often becomes a healing time for her as she lets her emotions out and cries for several minutes. I get the sense that she's afraid to loosen up on her grip, fearing that I might disappear. Tears have often run down my face as she finally does let up for a few seconds as she uses sign language to tell me that she loves me so much, then embraces me again.

I've come back from short vacations with Brad and have had to stay up 'til the early morning hours holding my sweet Jada who gets afraid to leave my side.

I just hope that I am giving these children what they need. I know deep within my heart that they are meant for great things and am brought to tears at the realization that it is my responsibility to show them the way back home to our Father in Heaven. I hardly feel worthy of such a task.

I have often wondered, especially after we got the kids, why I was given so much. Why was I blessed with a wonderful family who love each other and are always there for each other? Why was I born into a home that taught me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and that I have a Savior, a Brother who has died for me and made it possible for my sins to be forgiven? Why was I shown from the minute I was born the way to happiness when so many others live lives full of confusion and searching? Why are innocent children allowed to suffer at the hand of others who are making bad choices? Why was I allowed to have such a care-free, happy childhood when a little 4 year old girl with cerebral palsy is left to care for herself and her younger brother and sisters?

I think I am starting to understand though. I have been given so much. When I ask myself why any of us are given anything, I am reminded that it is so we can help mankind. Perhaps I was given my family, my childhood, knowledge of our purpose here on Earth, knowledge of a loving Father in Heaven and a Savior, Jesus Christ so that I could share it with the world. So that I can give these children all the wonderful gifts that I've been given and they can give it to theirs. I realize that because I have been given so much, much is expected of me. Although I find myself lacking in many areas and constantly regretting things I've done and the way I handle things, I know I am also learning and growing. I know that I need my Savior as much as anyone. I can see miracles taking place in my life and find new blessings to be grateful for everyday.

I would never ask for a life without trials and heartache, because I know from experience that these can be the sweetest times of our lives. My perspective on life and people and trials is changing so much as I am tried. I realize that we are all here to love and serve each other so that we can all make it back home. I am forever grateful for these wonderful lessons I am being taught!!