Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Signs of Healing

I remember dreaming about a day when my adopted children would be able to embrace their new life and family.
I remember many late nights walking up and down the street we lived on pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father asking Him to give me the strength and stamina I needed to get them to that point.
I remember days and weeks watching them struggle as they were filled with anger and rage like I had never seen before.
I remember broken walls, shattered windows, shredded clothes, blankets, and curtains.
I remember holes and carvings in furniture.
I remember broken cabinet doors and window blinds ripped off during rages.
I remember constantly finding urine and feces nearly every time I turned around.
I remember recognizing signs of abuse much worse than anyone ever imagined.
I remember them trying to conquer their victim-mentality by becoming abusers.
I remember the horror I felt at finding out about this abuse they did to each other when I was not aware.
 I remember the overwhelming guilt I felt at having not protected them better.
I remember wondering how another person's suffering and pain could be so satisfying to them.
I remember watching and realizing that their play was not play at all but scenes that could have been taken directly from a horror movie.
I remember being hit and kicked.
I remember being marked with bruises and scrapes.
I remember the spit that ran down my face immediately after I said, "I love you."
I remember their many sleepless nights and their nightmares.
I remember holding raging children wishing I could take away their pain.
I remember the hate I saw in their eyes when they looked into mine.
I remember how much that hurt.
I remember loving them so much it hurt, but not knowing how to let them know that.
I remember many mistakes I've made during heated moments, mistakes I still regret.
I remember sobbing as I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to forgive me and to not let my mistakes and my weaknesses cause them further harm.
I remember how time and again, miraculously, my burden, my sin was lifted in an instant, and the grief I felt was replaced with overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father.
I remember crying even harder after I realized how merciful He is and how willing He is to forgive.
I remember pleading for miracles to happen in the hearts and spirits of my sweet wounded children.

Now I look around and see those miracles I pleaded for.
I see smiling children.
I see Kiana doing the dishes for me so, "You won't have to."
I see Jazmine following me around all day because, "I just want to be by you, Mom.  I love you!"
I hear Kishawn talk about me being in the hospital to have Makenzie and say, "If Mom goes in the hospital again to have another baby, I want to be there to take away her pain."
I soak in the times during the day when Jada stops her playing to come lay her head on my lap.
I see them mimicking me, saying phrases I say.
I see kids, when it's time to clean, choose which part of the house they will clean, then when they finish, turn to help who has not finished.
I see kids who play "house" and this time they are not only a 'functional family' but they are caring and loving.
I see their eyes light up as I tell them what I see in them and the kind of amazing people I believe they will become.
I see their spirits recognize this truth and finally they are able to embrace it.
I see them care for Makenzie in a way they never knew they were capable of.
I love that Jada snuck into my car when I left to go to a book group and when after getting there and realizing she was with me and bringing her in with me, she was glued to my side.
I see kids who proclaim to strangers, "That's my Mom!"
I see kids who beg me to be with them and to play with them.
I see them all clamor for a place beside me every time we kneel to pray.
I hear the most eloquent, beautiful prayers come out of their little mouths.
I see wisdom and understanding that can only come from making it through difficult experiences.
I see life-long friends and an eternal family.

I see a loving Heavenly Father's hand intertwined in every aspect of our lives.
I see the effects of our Savior's atonement.


It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!


Sarah said...

that is awesome Heather!

The Sandry Family said...

I'm glad to hear they are finally bouncing back to the children I know and love so much. I glad you are able to finally experience the happiness and good hearts which each one of them has. The prayers are being answered. Tell them we love them and are proud of the progress. Again thanks for everything.

The Sandry Family said...

Oh don't know if you know Malissa had a learning disability and it does run in the Family

Anonymous said...

Wow. Make me bawl why don't you. Tears are literally streaming down my face. I love those little miracle children and can't wait to see them and you pretty soon! Love you sister! :)

Log and Annie Pearce said...

Heather you are amazing! Its so awesome to see the Lord working his miracles. I love you so much you are so inspiring and such a strength to me. Thank you for that post!

Jillian and Crew said...