I have always felt that I had a gentle heart, that I had an ability to love everyone regardless of what they were doing, regardless of how they made me feel, regardless of any cruelty they committed. I now feel that that gift I feel I was blessed with has been enlarged and magnified 100 fold. I feel as if my understanding of the world and of mankind is so much more clear. Now, when I see someone who is acting out in various ways, my heart grieves for them. I wonder what kind of pain they have experienced. I wonder how their heart was broken. Watching the cruel things my kids are capable of doing and saying and OFTEN being the recipient and the target for those cruel acts has taught me what nothing else could have. I KNOW that at times our Heavenly Father weeps as He watches His children suffer here on Earth. Even though He knows the plan, He knows that things may get better, His heart aches with ours. These are CHILDREN. They are children of our Heavenly Father who hearts and spirits have been wounded by the mistakes of man. Deep inside of them, their true spirits yearn to emerge.
My heart grieves for all that my kids have had to endure. There have been several nights I've laid in bed crying for all of their pain and for all that they've been through. I wonder how Heavenly Father can watch His children down here suffering so much. How His heart must ache. I wish so badly that I could have had them from the beginning. I wish I could have spared them their deep heartache. I wish that I could have held them close when they needed comfort, rocked them to sleep, carried them around with me all day everyday, nursed them, taught them that the world is a great place to be that people are loving and will take care of them. I wish they would have never had to cry themselves to sleep. However, I know that He doesn't leave any of us to suffer alone. He sends His angels both from Heaven and here on Earth to help.
I wonder how many more Kianas, Jazmines, Kishawns and Jadas are out there suffering. Amazing, gentle, loving spirits that have been hurt and covered up by inexpressible pain and suffering. I have also cried myself to sleep thinking about all those other children around the world who are lonely, suffering, yearning for love. Aching for the acceptance of a loving family.
Watching my kids heal has been more rewarding than anything I have ever experienced. Seeing who they really are, their real spirits, emerge out of their painful pasts is beyond description. Watching the Savior's atonement at work is what this life is all about. I can't think of anything more fulfilling than what I am doing right now.
It hasn't been an easy road. In fact it's been the most difficult thing I've ever done, more difficult than I could have even imagined, but the reward at the end is SO beyond worth it! I can only imagine the extreme joy that is in store for me as I get to watch them grow and become who they were meant to be and to play an instrumental part in my kids' lives.
I love building the Kingdom of God here on Earth. I love being a Mom. I think there is no nobler a calling than that of a mother. I love knowing that with my children I am storing up treasures in Heaven. I once heard someone say that by having and adopting children they were not focused on populating Earth but on populating Heaven.
I don't want to limit the number of treasures I store up for myself in Heaven.
I would love to have a big family to spend eternity with.
I can finally say that I want to have more.
I want to adopt again.
AND I want to be pregnant again.
Now I guess I'll get to see what God has in mind.