My Little Cutie!!

I love this little girl SO much!!

From the mouths of babes...

So,

we just came back from a chorus concert that I had.
It was about an hour drive away and we brought the whole family.

After I got there, I changed my clothes and someone else in the choir put my stage makeup on.



I had a few minutes before we started so I went into the auditorium to feed Kenzie.


When Jada saw me all dressed up and made up, she said,
"Mom, you look handsome!"



Then after the concert was over, Kishawn said,

"Mom, you were the prettiest one up there. Like out of all the girls, you were prettiest."

Which reminded me of a few days ago when we were all in the basement doing "Tae Bo" together. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kishawn looking at me. Finally, he said kind of quiet like,

"Mom, you look sexy."

Poop, poop and more poop!

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be living in a toilet forever!

With all 4 of the kids peeing their pants and getting the urine smell on everything, and poop being deposited everywhere except the toilet almost daily, there is no escaping the feeling of living in a port-a-john.

Today, just after lunch, we were dancing to some music when I smelled the dreaded smell. Kishawn was excused from the "dance floor", to go wash out his pants and take a shower. At this request, he started a raging fit. Me, already close to the end of my rope, started queit time a little early. Then, after quiet time, the seeming ever present aroma stuck it's head out again when I sat down next to Jazmine. I told her to go take care of it and take a shower.
"I CAN'T!!! IT'S IN THE HOLE THAT'S IN MY WALL!!!" she screamed at me.

So after Brad comes home, he breaks down the dry wall to get to it, and sees a foot high pile of garbage and feces inside of the wall! "There you go" he says... On to the next screaming rage (when combining the kids, this is number 9 for the day).

"I HAVE TO CLEAN ALL OF THIS?!"

insert screaming, raging fit here.

Meanwhile, Kishawn is upstairs screaming about having to clean the poop out of his pants, Kiana was sent to play in the basement after she even further enraged the other kids by laughing hysterically at their doings, Jada is taking advantage of me being preoccupied doing her Tasmanian Devil act spilling water all over the kitchen, shredding my papers, dumping the laundry all over the family room, taking the ornaments off the Christmas tree, and spreading Kenzie's nicely put away clothes all over her room. I'm holding Kenzie during all of this and she is turning into herself more and more from all the tension in the house.

To an extent, I have gotten used to afternoons like this, but my poor sweet baby isn't capable of understanding what's going on. So she dissociates and becomes unresponsive to outside stimula.
At this point, I focus all my attention on comforting her and bringing her back into the present.

Just a little glimps into a not uncommon afternoon when living with 4 kids with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder).

Baby Steps

Before I understood my children, before I knew what Attachment Disorder was and that they had it, before I knew that literally 1/2 their brain didn't function like an emotionally healthy child's does or function at all!, before... when I was naive and ignorant about my kids and their emotional health, I felt...

• like a horrible mother,
• alienated from friends and family because of my kids behavior,
• judged by those I love the most,
• judged by those I didn't know at all,
  
• misunderstood,
• hopeless,
• full of hope with a new idea only to have the hope and the idea smashed and thrown back in my face over and over and over again by the kids themselves,
  
• incapable of loving like a mother should,
• a longing to feel love from my kids who only showed me hate and anger,
• that any small step in the right direction was immediately followed by 3 gigantic leaps backwards

I wondered if all parents got slapped in the face when bending down to hug their child, got yelled at when telling their kids how much they love them, got spit on while walking by their children in passing, were constantly cleaning up poop and pee all over their house, got kicked, got scratched 'til they bled...

Did all parents have to deal with full blown fist fights, 150 decibel screaming and kids refusing to keep their seat belt on and stay in their seat every time they were in the car? Did other parents constantly have to be on guard to make sure their kids didn't abuse, humiliate or molest each other? How did they keep their houses so nice when I woke up to a complete and udder disaster every morning. Pictures all over the floor, food dripping off walls and smashed into the carpet, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, and soap bottles emptied all over mirrors, toilets, walls, floors and clothes, and toilet paper rolls filling the toilets. After attempting to supervise clean-up each morning, I was already exhausted and it was only 9 o'clock!

I wondered why, when I was tired, the thoughts of getting out of bed to face another day with them sometimes brought tears to my eyes. I blamed myself, felt sorry for myself, got over it and had yet another 'brilliant' idea to help them. Time after time, my reward systems became fighting systems. My one-on-one time with them became a mom bashing session with name calling, telling me they hate me, they didn't want to be with me, being spit on, swung at, kicked, bit, etc. Trying to get them distracted with outside activities resulted in someone else's kids getting hurt, complete melt downs, and phone calls to "Come pick your kids up!"

Before I knew that all of these behaviors, all of this hate that was targeted directly at me (the mother figure) , all of this anger was NORMAL for an attachment disordered child, I felt ASHAMED and hopeless.

I didn't talk about it. I put up a facade that everything was okay. I didn't want people to think bad about the kids and treat them badly and I didn't want them to think I was completely incapable of motherhood even though that was just how I felt.

The few people I did open up to had no way of understanding. How could anyone possibly know what it feels like to live with 4 people who hate you and have a deep seeded rage? Often times a rage that is unloosed 3-4 times a day by each child! That means dealing with a raging (screaming, kicking, hitting, scratching, pooping, peeing, property destroying child) 12-16 times a day! These were rages that lasted up to an hour and a half. One of our kids could go for 4 and 5 hours!

I felt VERY alone!

Personally, I feel that I have made huge strides! We now have an attachment therapist who has introduced us to some interventions and therapeutic parenting. Finally I have someone to talk to who understands what all of these behaviors mean and how I feel!

I am now able to talk about it. I am doing something that has been proven to work for others, instead of something else I've come up with hoping maybe this one, this time would work. I am starting to see progress in the form of tiny baby steps. It's progress and I'll take it!

Because of all the neglect, abuse and repeated moves in foster care the kids faced as babies and toddlers, they never developed a conscience. This means that they can steal, lie, hurt others and even kill without feeling any remorse. I have walked in on a kid trying to kill our family dog on more than one occasion. I've had a threat from one of them to stab Makenzie (the baby). I understand that this must be difficult to comprehend to someone who has never seen it, it's even difficult for me to comprehend.

It is because of this, living with these kids for the last 2 1/2 years, watching how their minds work and seeing how sick they are that makes the sweet little things they do actually HUGE things!!

On most mornings, I do a 'Feelings Journal' with each of them to help them become more attuned to their feelings. I ask them what their worst thing and their best thing was from the day before.

The other day Kishawn's answer for his worst thing was:

"The girls were screaming and I could feel the Holy Ghost leave. I felt sad."

His response for his best thing was:

"I didn't join the girls screaming during quiet time and I got to come out on time. I felt good about my decision. I felt proud of myself."

WOW!!! I had tears in my eyes!
That's more than a baby step in my eyes. I'm so proud of him!

Here's what we've been up to...

MAEGAN, COLVIN AND KAYDENCE

came to visit!!

DAN, PAIGE AND LANDON
came to visit!

SYLVAN LAKE
We went with Maegan, Colvin, Kaydence, Dan, Paige, Landon, Mom, Justin and Lauren! So fun!

We had a delicious picnic provided by Gramma Mia!
(It did look good before my kids got to it.)

KISHAWN'S 1ST BMX RACE

A WALK TO THE STREAM

Kiana tries it out...

CAMPING
We went camping with several of our friends and their families.

KOA
My brother, Justin, had a summer job at a resort, so we took the kids there a few times to play.

(Andrea came to visit. We LOVED it and wish she would move here!)

I even tried it out. (Pardon the belly shot) These bikes are steered by tilting your body side to side.
It took Jada under 5 minutes to figure it out. Pretty good for 3 years old I think.

DATE NIGHTS
Thanks to the extreme generosity of some people from church (babysitting our kids),Brad and I have been able to go on some dates!!
PACTOLA LAKE

It was beautiful!!

THE FAIR
Makenzie got her first Farris Wheel ride!


BASEMENT ADDITIONS
We're making our basement more fun in preparation for cold winter days.



I had to add this adorable picture!

Added especially for my lovely sister, Andrea.

A Deeper Look into Our Family

We've kept very busy this summer. About a month and a half ago, I decided to home school the kids. I've been trying it out during the summer to see if it would even be feasible for our family. It's been kind of rocky but I'm amazed at how well it's been going.

Everyone I tell this to asks me if I'm crazy, especially those who know our family best. My kids (the older 4) aren't necessarily 'normal'. They have a lot of past trauma and neglect and all suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder. As I learn more about older adopted children,the issues they face and how to help them, I am becoming more eager to do whatever I have to do. In a book I recently read there was a list of possible behaviors children with Attachment Disorders might have. Including:

• Superficially engaging and "charming" behavior
• Indiscriminate affection toward strangers
• Lack of affection with parents on their terms
• Little eye contact with parents
• Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter
• Inappropriate demanding and clingy behavior
• Lying about the obvious
• Stealing
• Destructive behavior to self, to other, and to material things
• Abnormal eating patterns
• No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
• Lags in learning
• Abnormal speech patterns
• Poor peer relationships
• Lack of cause-and-effect thinking
• Lack of conscience
• Cruelty to animals
• Preoccupation with fire

Between the four of them we have dealt with every behavior in the list. I was actually encouraged when I read this. Finally there was someone who understood what we were going through and who had answers for us!

I've learned that my kids, who were so charming and affectionate to us at first but then became angry, aggressive and refused any affection from us were acting out of a pattern that they've been forced to learn; that any time you let yourself get too close and to love someone things will change, that person will leave you or hurt you. We've dealt with consistent stealing; getting reports from neighbors, family and the school that things were missing and have woken up many morning to find the contents of our pantry ravaged through, eaten and thrown all over the house. We've watched in wonder at the dinner table night after night as they stuffed their mouths so full they couldn't chew, ate everything with their hands or putting their mouths to their plates (like dogs do), eating all the food within sight 'til it was gone sometimes 4 or 5 times as much as I can eat, finding food under mattresses, in pillows, in drawers and closets.

I've seen them make friends only to scare them away a short while later. We've repaired countless drywall holes, replaced several destroyed beds, found every toy they've ever owned at our house cut, chewed, torn apart, smashed, crushed and completely destroyed. We've tried to calm them as they run rampant around the house screaming, hitting, kicking, and pulling each other's hair.

I've watched in horror as they've hurt our dogs, kicking them, hitting them, dragging them by their tails and smothering them. After we pull them off, I wonder what the smug smiles on their faces meant.

I've felt helpless and fearful as my 7-year-old, after being sent to her room, bled from several cuts from climbing out her broken window (broken during a tantrum the previous day) several times, screamed at the top of her lungs 'til the neighbors started to worry and refused to let me stop her. In fear of her seriously injuring herself and me being unable to help, I called the police to have them help. Their appearance did stop that specific behavior but not the screaming tantrum that continued for another 2 hours.

I've woken up at 2:30 in the morning to the sounds of one of my kids, having climbed out her bedroom window, running around the outside of our house yelling, "Someone HELP me!" This behavior continues for several consecutive nights causing my mom (who herself fantastically raised 9 children) to sleep outside her bedroom window on the ground. Each time she tried to come out, my mom would tell her to go back in! (One of the many funny stories to be told around a family reunion camp fire in the future I'm sure!)

I've had to inform the neighbors of our situation and to not be alarmed when they heard strange noises coming from our house.

I've become an expert lie detector. I can see them coming even before they start! I was stunned into speechlessness when I realized that my 7-year-old was peeing down the heating vent in her room, my 6-year-old down his metal frame bed post, on his walls and drawing pictures in his carpet with his pee, and my 3 year old into her laundry.

I've wondered what to do when every time we went somewhere and my son would poop his pants. He also would poop his pants whenever something made him angry, sometimes as often as 6 times a day. We've found poop smeared all over walls, mirrors, clothes, beds... practically every place imaginable.

I've held kids for over an hour as they scream, kick and hit until they calm down, then hold them longer rocking them and singing to them as if they were a baby. I tell them that they didn't have someone to take care of them when they were young so I want to do it now.

I felt so much sorrow at realizing what all of these behaviors mean. Realizing that as tiny infants they were left to cry in hunger and discomfort for hours. Instead of receiving love and care they were hit. When they finally found someone to care for them who they gave their hearts to (some of their foster parents) they were taken from them. They learned that those you love and care for will disappear so it's easier and less painful to not let yourself love or to be loveable.

I've wondered how I can recreate their early years with four of them at once. I spend much of every day holding them, rocking them, reading to them and even feeding them with bottles to help them heal, but still I feel like I'm not doing enough. Sometimes I have to choose which ones I'm going to hold and which ones I have to let wait while they cry and tantrum. Even when they're all home all day, there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to attend to all of them how I should.

But we are doing everything we know to make things better. Brad has cut his work hours drastically to be home more and we are homeschooling them to keep them near us more, to help them be able to attach to us how a child should be attached to a parent. I spend almost every waking moment of everyday with them.

I'm reminded of just how fragile they are and how vulnerable they feel when after several months without a date, Brad and I go on a 2-hour-date. We came back to angry kids who won't look us in the eye or even acknowledge that we're talking to them. When we got too close to them they'd lash out at us. It took nearly 3 full days to get back to where we were before our 2-hour-date.

So with a huge and constant prayer in our heart and with all the energy we possess, we push forward with the hope that things are getting better and that we can make a difference for these kids that we love so much.

This is a creek that is about a 5-10 minute walk from our house!! It's SO beautiful and the kids had a great time playing in it for several hours.





I can't even begin to express the adoration I have for this little girl. She makes my every waking moment brighter and even my dreams too. I am convinced that I have the sweetest, happiest most tender-spirited baby ever born. I have a hard time sharing her with others who are dying to hold her. She makes motherhood SOOO rewarding.

Several times throughout the day I'll be holding her or she'll be lying somewhere close to me and I'll glance over at her to see her busting out in a big grin as she follows me with her eyes.

She 'talks', laughs and smiles all day long. Her spirit is very sensitive. Brad and I have both noticed her become uncomfortable around contention and be awed and calmed by beautiful music.

When she was just 3 days old, I took her to a musical fireside the missionaries put on that I was asked to sing in. My mother-in-law sat in the back with her and was in awe as Kenzie completely relaxed at the start of each song and looked around the room in wonder. As each song ended she'd drift off to sleep until the next song started and she'd look around again, sometimes with a smile on her face. Then as my mom and I sang a duet tears ran down my mother-in-law's cheeks as she watch her react to our voices.

She's been a happy and content baby from the very start. She was smiling at me before I even left the hospital with her after she was born. During her first 2 weeks, I heard her cry maybe 3 times including the minutes after she was born. Many times when I'm holding her she relaxes into me so much that I'll be sure she has fallen asleep. I face her toward someone and ask them if she's sleeping and be told that her eyes are wide open and she's looking around.

One of my very favorite things she does is while I'm nursing her. She'll be eating then pull off, look up at me and smile the sweetest, biggest, most precious smile at me then, she'll go back to eating.

She smiles at EVERYTHING! She smiles when I'm changing her diaper, when I change her clothes, when she meets my gaze, while she's eating, in the car, when I wipe her mouth, when I give her baths, when she spitting-up, when I lay her down, when I pick her up, she's even smiled at me a few times when I cleaned her nose out with a bulb syringe!! She knows how to make her momma's heart melt.

She's our angel and makes every day brighter!
This video is classic Kenzie behavior!
(make sure the volume is turned up)

She even tells me she loves me while she sleeps!Her quiet, peaceful influence everyday calms every member of our family. She is adored by all of us.

We ARE still here...

We've been busy since my last post almost 3 months ago...

But that's no excuse. I think the real reason I've slacked on my blogging is because I haven't wanted to stop looking at and holding my baby for a long enough period of time to post anything.
Can you blame me? Look at her!! She's adorable!
In the mean time, Kenzie got her first bath at home...
Laree, my sister, surprised me by showing up at my house the day I got home from the hospital. I couldn't have been happier to see her! She stayed for a week!...
Grandma Porter came to visit! It was so fun to have her here!! And I missed her terribly after she left. Not to mention I ate better than I have in a VERY long time.
I think Grandma's favorite thing while she was here was her daily afternoon naps with Makenzie...

Makenzie went to church for the first time...

We went to Mt. Rushmore twice. Once with Laree and again with Grandma...

We took the kids to the Air Show...

Laree, all her kids, Rachel and Jason all came and were here to see Makenzie get blessed by her Daddy...We had a good time with family (going to Rushmore Cave, Cosmos, and other tourist attractions)...
I admired and enjoyed my baby...

Brad and I took the kids to Storybook Island...

And we went to Arizona for 4 weeks.
Unfortunately, my camera broke so I didn't get any pictures of the Turley family reunion, time spent with friends and family or the Porter family reunion. But we all had a great time. It was nice, however, to leave the 115 degree heat and come home to 69 degrees. Ahhh.

Our Amazing Little Miracle!!!!!!

She's Here!!!!

Makenzie Ann Porter

At my last doctor visit, my doctor decided to induce me.
We were told to check into the hospital on Monday morning at midnight.
After we got there, they started the induction with a drug called Cytotec.
I had contractions all day Monday that were read by the monitor as being pretty intense, but (as you can see in the picture) they weren't very painful or productive.

After 20 plus hours of those contractions, they started me on pitocin.
By now it was 11:30 at night and I was exhausted from sleeping so little the night before.

I fell asleep for a few hours and woke up at 1:00 a.m. with PAINFUL contractions.
I was determined to have the baby without an epidural so Brad and my mom were both there to help me through the pain.

They were both amazing!! Massaging me and talking me through each contraction.
I wouldn't have been able to do it without them.
Being so exhausted, I often fell asleep between the contractions (even having dreams).I had hard labor for nearly 5 hours when my water broke.
Soon after that I felt an intense need to push, but my doctor wasn't at the hospital yet so my nurse wouldn't let me.

This went on for a half-hour. As difficult as labor was, fighting my body's instinct to push for that half-hour was by far more painful and mentally draining.

Finally, the doctor came. Being in such a rush to get to the hospital, he got pulled over on the way.

But, it was all worth it!!!

And I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

After 7 years of marriage, 8 miscarriages, deep and intense heartache,
we were blessed with a miracle that would impact me more than I have ever imagined.

On Tuesday morning, April 28, 2009 at 6:47 a.m.,
We were blessed with an Angel from Heaven.
A perfect little being.
I am so overwhelmed!!!!

My deep, wrenching pain and heartache has been transformed.
I am now weeping tears of joy.My joy is so great and my heart is so full!!

The love I feel is so profound.

I never knew these kinds of feelings existed.She is a gift...sent directly from Heaven.She is our MIRACLE.



This miracle has transformed our family.
An amazing, long awaited, change is taking place in our home.
Our hearts are being softened and healed.

She brings out a gentleness and softness in the kids that I have never seen and I'm sure that they have never felt.
Their broken little hearts seem to be healing with just the mere presence of our little angel.

Their desire to create chaos, because chaos is all they've ever known, has lessened dramatically!

Brad and I have even felt a massive change taking place in our own hearts.
We are slower to anger and quicker to love.
Our voices are calmer.
The turmoil and stress we have been feeling lately (from our seeming failed efforts to help and teach our children) is GONE.

Finally, I can see peace in their eyes...love in their faces and actions...true and deeply felt joy...healing and gentleness...

All wrapped up in one tiny little package...
a package of pure heaven...
a tiny bundle of love...
is the answer to SO MANY tearful prayers sent up to heaven.

She is our miracle in more ways than can be counted!!

So,
Heaven,
if you're listening,

and I know you are

Thank you!!!
For sending one of your finest angels to grace the walls of our home and hearts.
She is healing our pain like only an angel can.

She is a miracle

A miracle we call Makenzie Ann Porter.

We're still here...

I've been pretty bad at updating the blog lately.
Here are a few things we've done this past month...

Our ward held a Box Car Derby for all the primary kids. I guess they do it annually. The kids all made their own box cars (with Brad's help), then decorated them. They really had a lot of fun racing their cars around the gym, then sitting in them at the 'drive in' while watching a movie and eating popcorn and cotton candy.

Kiana got an award at school!
The school has a program they do called 'Character Counts'. Obviously, it's to teach the kids to have good character. At a school wide assembly they recognized one student from each class for having good character and Kiana was chosen to receive the award for her second grade class!
Kiana is on the far left.

Her teacher wrote a sweet tribute to her that was read as she got her award...

"Before January, we thought we had a great class and then Kiana came. She always comes to class with a smile on her face and can have us all laughing at anytime. Kiana has shown us how to face adversity. Against all odds she has learned to kick a football. Everyday little miracles happen because of Kiana."

Also, we have been preparing for the arrival of the newest member of our family!
This is me at almost 38weeks!
I've started contracting and dialating (a little), so hopefully she makes her enterance into this world soon! We are all so anxious to hold and to love her.

Trials

In fear of sounding preachy, I have been debating with myself on whether or not I wanted to post this. After hearing about some difficult things some of my friends are going through, however, I have decided to go ahead and take the risk. It is my hope that someone reading this will be able to find comfort and purpose in their trials.

I wrote this after being asked to speak in church a couple weeks ago.

Trials

- Our Greatest Blessings -

Before I start my talk, I want to introduce myself, my husband and our family. My name is Heather Porter, my husband is Brad. Today is our anniversary and we are celebrating 7 years of marriage. We have four kids. Our family just moved here about 2 months ago from Mesa, Arizona. Brad and I have had the kids for a little over a year and a half now and about 3 months ago we legally adopted them. After their adoption, we had the amazing opportunity of taking them to the Mesa, Arizona temple to be sealed. That experience was both incredibly emotional for me and amazingly spiritual. I don't know if I've ever seen anything more beautiful in my life than seeing all six of us dressed in white, surrounding the alter, hand in hand, looking into each others eyes as we became sealed together as a family for time and all eternity. The veil was thin and we were reassured by the spirit that what we were doing was right for our family. Also, we are expecting, and very excited about it! In about 7 or 8 weeks we get to welcome another little girl into our family.

Today I'll be talking about trials and the part they play in our lives. Growing up there was a quote that hung in our home that said, “I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.” As I've gone through the ups and downs of life, I've been reminded of that quote often. The trying times of life definitely are not easy but during the up times of our lives we can see that it IS worth it.

I've heard people talk about 'overcoming' trials. During the more difficult times of my life, I'd have to agree with that idea. I would like to hurry them up, to pass through them quickly, and in a sense 'overcome' them. However, I don't know if our goal should be to overcome them, trying to make them go away or wishing them away. I think instead that perhaps we should embrace our trials; trying to find the purposes they are supposed to serve in our lives.

The Savior said, “...I give unto men weakness that they may be humble... for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Ether 12:27

When we are tested and called to experience difficult times, we are being given the opportunity for growth. If we view the trial as a gift or an opportunity to become greater our blessings will be great. There are examples of this all around us.

The other morning I was laying in bed looking out my bedroom window at the pine trees swaying in the wind. Some of them were moving several feet back and forth as the wind blew them. I wondered what kind of stress that that kind of intense wind was putting on the trees. Then, I remembered reading about trees that are raised in the protected environment of a greenhouse. They are sheltered from the storms and protected from the harm that the fierce elements can cause. A greenhouse, it would seem, is the ideal place to grow a tree. However, if you take down the protective walls of the greenhouse, allowing the beautiful trees inside to be exposed to those elements, they quickly snap under the pressure. Branches will be ripped off from the slightest breeze and surly such sheltered trees could never endure a difficult storm.

As trees out in nature are exposed to wind, rain, snow, and hail they are put under stress. In response to that stress, they grow more dense making the tree stronger and stronger after each successive storm. The result is a magnificent tree that is able to stand strong amidst the turmoil. Wishing the wind away would only weaken the tree, but by facing the wind the tree becomes greater, stronger.

I'm going to talk about a few of the trials I've been called to face. In talking about them, I don't mean to try to compare myself with someone else and their trials. I just want to express the blessings that have come into my life as a direct result of the trials I've been given.

After about a year of marriage, Brad and I became anxious to bring children into our family. Initially, we had a difficult time conceiving and sought out medical help. It worked! One month later, we found out we were expecting. We were so excited. Sadly though, the pregnancy didn't last and we lost the baby. I was devastated and blamed myself. I kept praying for a miracle, I hoped and wished it wasn't true. But it was. After that, we never had a problem conceiving. About a year later we found out we were expecting again. But a while later, once again our excitement and hopes of expanding our family were beginning to unravel. As I laid in bed in an effort to hold onto the baby, I poured my heart out to the Lord. In response to my cries, He comforted me in a way I've never felt before. The peace I felt was nearly tangible and I knew that He stood by my bedside sharing my pain. It was hard for me to accept having lost another baby but I was anxious to try again. Several months later, I again became pregnant. This time, for some reason, felt different to me. I felt as if I had a relationship with the spirit that I carried. I knew it was a boy and I felt his presence with me often. I was sure he would come into our family and was so excited for his arrival. Perhaps this is why I was so confused when he too didn't survive. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to think of the whole situation. After a D and C, what I had felt and already knew was confirmed, that I was indeed carrying a boy. I especially felt a deep sense of loss after losing him.

Shortly after this loss, I remember going to a family gathering and feeling hurt hearing my sister who was pregnant with her third complain about how terrible it was to be pregnant. To me it seemed she was going on and on about the ails she was experiencing. I was consumed with my sorrow and would have gladly taken her place in a heartbeat. I asked Brad if we could leave early and sobbed the whole way home and long into the night. I wondered why I was being put through this. I wanted children so badly. My heart was aching with intense pain.

As I turned to the Savior for comfort and peace, I was able to come to terms once again with our loss and was given a wonderful gift. I learned to rely on my Lord for solace. I lost 5 more babies after losing that little boy, but with each successive heartache I was granted an even greater relationship with my Savior. He stood by me the whole time. I learned to turn to him for comfort. I learned that He is always there for me with open arms waiting for me to run to Him. I learned that trials are not a curse but a blessing. An opportunity for growth. I learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. I learned that I am never alone. I learned that no matter what comes my way, no matter how hard it may seem, He will share my burden with me. I learned that He will show me what I need to do and learn to be bigger and stronger than the trial I face.

If I could go back in time and take away all of those trials and heartaches, I would not do it. I am who I am today because of them. I view them as sacred gifts given to me from a very loving Heavenly Father. I feel privileged and honored that He not only thought I was capable of experiencing them but that He thought enough of me to teach me the beautiful truths I was taught as I lived through them.

Now, as I face the incredible challenge of raising and nurturing 4 battered children, I am even more grateful for the trials of my past, how they have shaped me and for what I have learned. It doesn't mean this new road I'm on has been easy. I have had the wonderful privilege and tremendous challenge of taking in and nurturing 4 beautiful children. Children who have been through more trauma, neglect, abuse and heartache already in their short lives than I have ever experienced or probably ever will. I've cried myself to sleep more nights than I can count wondering how I can possible help them through their deep and intense pain. I've become frustrated with some of their behaviors that to my-inexperienced-unlearned-self seem, at time, barbaric and out-of-control. I have felt my stomach turn with anger as I realize that there is no way a 4-year-old would know how to do what I just saw... unless. I've cried with them, our arms wrapped around each other wishing I could take away the pain they feel. I've wondered how someone as simple as I am could possibly be wise enough to help them through all of their heartache.

It is during these difficult times that I am reminded of the wonderful lessons I've learned from before. I know where to turn for help, I know that the road is hard, and I am probably not strong enough to walk it alone. But I know that I am not called to walk it alone. I know that help is only a prayer away. I know that even if I don't have all the answers I can still feel the peace my Savior freely gives. Best of all, I know that when there are pieces of my broken heart as well as pieces of their broken hearts that seem impossible for me to fix, He can.

I know that Heavenly Father tests those He loves, because it is in that testing that we are made stronger, greater, better people. He can and will turn our weaknesses into strengths if we just turn to Him. He is waiting with open arms ready to show His unconditional love for each of us. He can be the healer of our wounded souls. All we have to do is choose to turn to Him. His arms are open, waiting for us to come.