Check me out on TV!

I went to the local library to teach a sign language class and when I got there, I was told that there would be 3 news crews there.

I was kind of shocked and a little nervous. Here are the results I could find online...

Children First: Learning about differences: Children learn sign language as a way to understand differences.

NBC

Baby is HERE!

Brielle Raeleen Porter

was born Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 7:35 in the morning.

Brad and I decided to have her at home in the basement in a birthing tub.  The experience was SO amazing for us.  We found an amazing midwife (who has delivered over 3,000 babies!) and made all the arrangements. 

(Wednesday night in mild labor)



On Wednesday I was having mild contractions all day.  That night we went on a family walk and they started to get stronger and closer together.  Around 11 at night, I called our midwife to let her know that I was in labor.  She came over and so did my mom who was both my nurse and doula (oh yeah, and mom).

I was able to labor on walks around our neighborhood, on a birthing ball, in the shower, and in the tub.

Just after 5 am the contractions started getting really strong, I got up to go to the bathroom and puked all over the floor (thanks mama for cleaning that for me).  It actually felt good to throw-up 'cause I was getting nauseous during contractions, but I didn't after this.  Then, I got into the shower for a few more contractions.  By this time they were coming on pretty strong. 

Brad and I both got into the tub for these contractions.

This was so amazing for me.  Not only did that warm water and the weightlessness feel amazing, but being able to lay on Brad was such a neat experience.  He rubbed me during the contractions and held me while I slept in between them.  I still get tears in my eyes as I think about how tender those moments were for us. 

While I was pushing, I got to reach down and feel her head.  That feeling was so surreal.  I could feel the hair on her head and I felt her head come out as I pushed.  After I pushed her shoulders, out I got to reach down and pick up my baby myself.  The feeling was one of ecstasy. 

Brad was holding me this whole time and was pulling my legs back as I pushed.  It was so fun to pull her up into my arms and to have the 3 of us meet that way. 

Brad got to cut and clamp the umbilical cord.

She didn't even cry when she was born.  She just came out looking around seeming to take it all in.

I need a better picture of my mom.

About 20 minutes after I had her, the other kids got out of bed and came downstairs to meet her.

The whole experience couldn't have gone any better.  It was such a miracle!

I can't even express how excited I am and how blessed I feel to have another little angel from heaven!

She is truly amazing!!!!

BABY NEWS!!!

So we just got back from an appointment with the midwife.

I am now 20 weeks along and every thing is going great!

Oh, and we're having a...

GIRL!!

I'm so excited!!

By the way our weather for today is:

Rest Of Today
	Snow Hi: -1°	Mostly sunny with intermittent very light snow. Highs around 1 below. North winds 15 to 20 mph. Chance of snow 20 percent. Wind chill readings (FEELS LIKE) 19 below to 29 below zero (-19° to -29°).
Tonight
	Mostly Clear Lo: -19°	Mostly clear. Lows around 19 below. Northwest winds up to 10 mph in the evening becoming light.

Can I just say BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!  

Is Healing Possible?

Short answer?

A resounding YES!

Is it easy?

Most the time, no.

I was talking with a friend the other day and told her that I hope that my kids will be able to learn from their past experiences (traumas and abuse) and turn them into something that can benefit their lives.  I do not feel angry at the people who caused my children harm, mostly because I know those people grew up having traumatic childhoods as well.  Throughout the process, I have tried to help my children separate in their minds the abuse they experienced from their abusers (most of whom were their close family members).  When I saw my children, at very young ages, continuing the cycle of abuse on each other, I understood for the first time how people can do such horrible things.  I knew that if I condemned their abusers I would be in essence condemning my children as well and I knew that they would never feel fully accepted by me.   

I think I have been blessed with an ability to look past the horrible things that their abusers have done and into their hearts.  I feel heartache for them and their life experiences.  While not accepting or approving of the things those people have done to my children in any way, I try to convey to my kids that those people were lost and struggling.  

So...

The other day, we were walking through the park together as a family and we saw a group of  young people smoking, drinking and using foul language.  I saw Jazmine observing them and wondered what was going through her mind.  She completely surprised me when she turn around and said,

"Mom, when I see people drinking and smoking, I want to go up to them and tell them about the gospel."

  

And...

The other night some of the kids were ganging up their sister verbally attacking her.  They took turns making snide remarks and insults.  Typically, when this happens I send the one who is being cruel away from the one they are attacking.  My reasoning is that each of my children deserves to live in a home that feels safe to them and if someone is threatening that feeling of safety they will not be permitted to stay near the others.  However, this night we were kneeling down for family prayers (which we do right before bed time), when the badgering was going on so I didn't send anyone away and it kept escalating.  I tried to stop it verbally but my requests were being completely ignored until I snapped.  Jazmine happened to be the last one to insult her sister so she got the brunt of my temper.  She was kneeling next to me and I firmly nudged her leg with the back of my hand and yelled something like, "How dare you!  You guys sit her and repeatedly insult your sister over and over as if you hate her.  How do you think that makes her feel?  Do you want her to grow up believing those horrible things?"  I know in their minds it probably sounded like blah, blah, blah, words, words, words.  Anyway we finished a not-so-reverent prayer and I sent them to bed.  I immediately felt horrible about my reaction especially to Jazmine and caught her before she went to her room.  She turned around with huge tears streaming down her face.  Assuming the tears were from my reaction, I held her in a tight hug and apologized for the way I reacted.  I told her it was wrong and that I was shouldn't have behaved that way.  She pulled away from my hug and said,

"Mom, that's not why I'm sad.  I'm crying because I feel bad for Jada.  We were so mean to her and I feel really bad about it."

I gave her another hug and she pulled away again, looked straight into my eyes and said,

"I've never felt this way before.  I've never felt sorry for something mean I did.  What does that mean?"

I this point I'm crying with her and I tell her that it means she is healing, she is getting a conscience and her heart is learning to love and to care about others.

This happened a few days ago and since then several times throughout each day, she tells me different ways that she has helped people when she sees that they are sad.  

So, can healing happen?

Absolutely!!!

It can! 

Kenz signing

Makenzie is now 20 months old.  I still think of her as my baby and I can't believe that we'll have another baby in just 5 months! 

Kenzie brings so much joy to our family.  If you ask me, I think she's exceptionally bright!  Doesn't every mom think that about their kids?

We use a lot of sign language in our family for communication purposes and have gotten to know and associate with several people here who are deaf and use sign language. 
Makenzie has been exposed to sign language since she was born and has picked up a lot.

Brad was asking her to sign several different signs tonight so I got the camera and recorded her. 

So adorable!!

Christmas 2010

We enjoyed a nice, relaxing Christmas this year!

I am happy to say that the kids got through the day with overall great attitudes.

  They were thankful for their presents and handled themselves really well.

I wish I could say what contributed to our success so that I can be sure to repeat it next year, but honestly, I'm not quite sure. 

For kids who have been through significant trauma, holidays and special occasions can be difficult.  Our experiences during many of these days has attested to this.

Brad and I kept Christmas very simple this year.  Each kid got one present and a stocking.

My mom gave them each something that they opened on Christmas Eve.  I think with them only having the one present to focus on they were able to appreciate it and not feel overwhelmed with feelings of not deserving what they got.  (In my experience, these feelings has led them to exhibit behaviors to prove to us that they didn't feel deserving.) 

Anyway, maybe it was the simpleness of this Christmas.

Maybe it was a sign of the progress they have made.

I know that we are being blessed and I thank God daily for His watchful care over us. 

And the verdict is...

After an extremely difficult week with the kids, I have realized once again the benefits of their medication way outweigh how detrimental it is for the kids and our family to not use it right now. 

After a few days of watching them slide down hill rapidly, I felt that I was doing them a huge disservice by not allowing them to use this tool that has proven to help them so much.  Not to mention, I was beginning to feel that I couldn't go on, and that's the last thing my kids need is a mother who cannot be there or them.

I am still using the natural supplements to ensure that their bodies are getting what they need.  I am still doing the therapeutic parenting.  I am still trying to learn more and better strategies to help them at every opportunity I get.  We are still processing grief. 

And I have come to realize that just like the therapists, parents and doctors said (sometimes I prefer to learn things the hard way...) this is a tool that our family needs right now. 

Thank you everyone who gave me advise.  It really meant a lot to me and I did take it to heart.

Processing Grief - So hard, yet SO worth it!

It's been a challenging past few weeks for me and the kids.  We've been processing a lot of their grief together.  As great as it is to be able to do this with the kids, it is tiring and emotionally exhausting for all of us. 

It seems that their grief is not something that they can experience briefly then be able to quickly move on to other things.  Because a lot of their past and pain has been coming up a lot lately, we've had to tone things down a LOT. 

Outings have been very rare, and even our homeschooling routine has had to be flexible in order to allow the kids to feel what they're feeling and to process it.  We've been referring often to their life books and adding to them.

Because so much of their past is shared I often have several kids crying at once.  All of them need me to wrap my arms around them.  All of them need me to listen to their heart.  All of them are hurting.  Yet I am only one person.  At times, I feel so torn.  While I have 3 of the kids sitting on or near me, I leave one to cry on their own sometimes rolling around on the ground in fear that their grief will overcome them and become too much. 

Their rages and tantrums have escalated.  There are several more holes in the walls of their bedrooms.  Their behavior has regressed dramatically. 

Meanwhile, my sweet 19 month old baby needs her mama to comfort her while these rages go on.  She doesn't understand why all of her siblings are crying so much.  She doesn't understand why they are yelling, throwing things, breaking holes in walls.  She gets scared.  Last night, she got so scared she threw-up.  My heart aches for her, it aches for them.  Sometimes, I don't know what to do, who to help, how I can go on. 

It's been SO difficult! It's pulled at my every heartstring. I've cried wracking sobs nearly every moment I get alone to myself. I wonder if I'm up to the task. I wonder if I can ever be enough for them. I grieve that I cannot physically and sometimes emotionally meet the needs of all of them.  Sometimes I feel so worn out emotionally and physically from it all that I send them to their rooms for our daily quiet time knowing that they are not ready to leave my side.  Often their raging escalates during this transition.  Then, I hold my baby, rock her to sleep, and I cry some more.

Then something miraculous happens.  Today my son came out of quiet time with a hand written note for me.  it said:

"Mom ,
I love you mom so much mom.  I will never let you go mom 'cuz you are the best mom.  You help me so much mom.  I'll never let you go mom.  I love you so much!
Love,
Kishawn"


That does a mama's heart good!  I'm crying even as I type this.  I know this is all worth it.  I know that I am witnessing miracles.  I know that I am so privileged to be able to do this.  And most importantly, I know that I am not doing it alone.  I know that our Lord is involved and His healing hands are touching the hearts of our family, including this mama's heart who often doesn't feel strong enough for the task that lies in front of me.

To medicate or not?

With the advise of a therapist we were working with, I have taken my kids to see a psychiatrist. He and the therapist both suggested that some of them be on medication because they were SO disregulated SO often. Reluctantly, I put them on the medication to see if it would help. The potential side effects scare me and also I was afraid that they may become dependent on the medication.




I desperately want to find a way to help them regulate naturally, without the risks the anti-psychotic drugs have. Every time we get low on a prescription, I let it run out and decide that we can try to do our day to day things without the help of this medication. And after a few days of rages and kids who feel out of control (sometimes they tell me this themselves), I again, reluctantly, reorder the medicine and start over.



And their behaviors improve, dramatically.



Am I worring over something I shouldn't be? Am I wrong in not wanting to give them this medication when it obviously allows them to function so much better and it allows them to feel so much better about themselves? Do the benefits outweigh the risks?



We all take natural supplements but have not seen much improvement by the supplements alon. There are other supplements that I have not tried that I think I will. In the mean time though, I feel torn. I feel torn between letting my kids have a chance at feeling in control of their emotions with a medicine that is proven to help them, but poses so many risks, verses trying alternative options while they feel out of control of their emotions and actions. Is that fair to put them through that?



In the meantime, I still have a huge learning curve ahead of me in how I can help them deal with these extreme emotions. Just when I think I've got a handle on it and I'm really helping one child, another will start to rage then sometimes even another all at once. Then I think, "How in the world can I meet all of their needs at once? How do I be there for them, help them through this when I need to be so much more than one person who is still learning?" Usually, I end up having to send one or more of them into their rooms to rage (to keep the others safe), while I help another one to regulate. Is that fair? I don't think it is. I feel torn and overwhelmed at the tasks that lie in front of me sometimes. I want to be there for them every time they need me but sometimes, I am forced to make them wait.



I know that it won't be like this forever. I know that once we all have the tools to help things run more smoothly (beginning with me, so I can subsequently give them those tools) things will get better. In the mean time, I'm studying every second I get. I'm leaning about natural supplements that helped other kids like mine. I'm learing about parenting interventions that will help their brains to begin to function differently. I'm praying with all of my heart that my learning curve won't have to last too long and that the kids will be able to live up to their full potential.



I can see their potential. I see a great set of kids who have so much ability and who are learning to love and care for others with such tenderness it touches my heart everyday. I don't fear for their future, because I believe that they will grow to become great adults full of kindness, love and responsibility. Having said that, I know that much of their progress depends on the kind of parent I am to them now. That is a responsibility I take very seriously. Because I can see so clearly where I lack, I am constantly striving to learn more, do more, and to be more for them.



I can't thank these kids enough for the awesome opportunity having them has given me to become a better person, a person with more understanding, compassion and love. They have given me the opportunity to evaluate my life, my actions and my thoughts in a very deep way, everyday of my life as I strive to become more like Christ and to love them as He does. And more importantly to care for them as He would if he were here.



But still I'm left with the question: Do I medicate them or not? Have any of you been in a similar situation? What did you decide? What was most helpful for your family?
 
 

Too honest?

I have a lot on my mind that I'm not sure I know how to put into words, so forgive me if this sounds jumbled or confusing. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about my family and the way I have been raising my children.  I've researched so much about parenting traumatized kids, yet I still feel like I know so little.  We have used several resources from therapists, parenting specialists, workshops and conferences to books, researching the internet and even reading blogs of other parents who have adopted traumatized children as well as briefly belonging on a yahoo group for adoptive parents.

In the process, I have come across parents who are feeling overwhelmed and out of control and who just wanted to vent.  (These ones feel very draining to me and I find that I have a hard time staying positive with my kids when I hear or read too much of this.)  Having said that, I feel that I have definantly been there and felt that!  I have also come across parents on the other side of the spectrum who paint a pretty picture that is all miraculous with no struggle, grief or adjustment period.  I have a hard time believing their story.  Don't get me wrong, there is MIRACLE in adoption.  There happiness and joy!  It is a beautiful thing.  However, there is also grief, loss and pain associated with it, especially when the child or children are older when they are adopted. 

I have also come across some ideas and theories in parenting these children.  And I have followed these ideas believing that the experts knew what they were talking about.  They had been there, done that and I was desperate for information and help.  I followed what they said.  It was hard!  And we have seen results from putting their suggestions into practice.  To be honest some of the parenting interventions didn't settle quite right with me.  Some of them were so unnatural to what I would intrinsically do and it was hard to follow, but since what I was already doing seemed to not be helping or improving our situation, I followed them. 

I don't want this to sound like I am ratting on or discounting what I have learned or done.  Please don't think that.  I think where my hang-up lies is in my own heart.  I think because I was dealing with so many behaviors I didn't understand or know what to do with, and because my kids were harming each other in MY home, I became overwhelmed and perhaps understood some things differently than they were meant. 

I did the parenting interventions.

I gave them all their own rooms.
I put alarms on their doors (to prevent them from harming each other).
I brought them home from school when it became clear to me that it was way more than they could handle.
I cuddled them.
I rocked them.
I bottle fed them.
I kept them near me.

All of these things I feel were absolutely needed and necessary to their progression.  All of these things have contributed hugely to their progression!

I also did some things, that were in the the books and seminars, that I regret and that I now am questioning.

I consequenced their actions.
I caught them in their lies.
I caught them in their stealing.
I've sent them away from the table for bad manners.
I've made them make restitution for harm and damage done to our home and members of our family.
I demanded respect and compliance.

In this process, I think I have allowed myself to become a behaviorist.  I've focused on their behaviors and trying to fix them.  I've allowed myself to become frustrated when they repeat the same behavior again and again, then to consequence them again and again, only to have them do it over and rage about the consequence once again.

I've demanded respect and compliance.  I did this because it is what I felt the experts were saying to do.  I now don't know whether that's what they meant or not.

I always felt that it didn't go along with how our Father in Heaven parents us and I have really struggled with this.  I've thought many times to myself, "I mess up over and over and over, yet He always is willing to accept me, faults and all, with open arms when I come back to Him.  Am I being that kind of parent?  Do I love my children unconditionally like that?  Do I show them love no matter what?  Or I am too focused on fixing them?"

I've decided that I don't want to be a behaviorist any more, I don't want to focus on fixing behaviors.

I want to look into what those behaviors mean and help my children find their voice.  I don't want to demand complaince and respect.  I want my children to want that for themselves.  I am realizing that that won't happen unless I help them find their voice, unless I listen to what those behaviors mean and address that instead of stiffling it by focusing on getting the 'behaviors' to stop. 

Everyone wants to feel important, loved, cherished and HEARD.  Am I giving that to my children?

My husband says that I am too hard on myself.  He says that I don't give myself enough credit for how far we've come as a family.  Maybe he's right, but sometimes all I can see is what I'm doing wrong and how it needs to get better.  I don't mean this in a depressed, poor me, kind of way, but in a way of realizing my mistakes and weakness so that I can do something about them.  So I can take them to the Lord and He can turn them into strengths.  Although I do sometimes feel overwhelmed with regret.  Sometimes, I just wish I could start all over and do things better, but then again, would I know what to do?  Even now?  I just hope and pray constantly that our Savior can make up for where I lack. 

Has any of this made sense at all?  It still feels jumbled in my head.  Can any of you parents relate to any of this?